New Civilization Discovered!
A new civilization was discovered yesterday on the outskirts
of Redneckland, living in the Hillbilly Mansion. It appears to
consist of only two individuals, who have been named "Whiners"
by the other inhabitants.
The Whiners have highly-developed building skills, but are
quite lacking in skills such as feeding, cleaning, and entertaining
themselves, as well as interpersonal relationships.
Whiners communicate mostly with nonverbal methods. Their
repertoire includes throwing objects, poking, pinching, kicking,
thumping, and sitting on each other until tears flow.
Their limited vocabulary contains one word which has dozens
of meanings. The word "mom," when stretched out into three
syllables, can be used for:
- Where are you?
- I don't want to.
- Don't change the channel.
- I'm telling.
- I have been wronged.
- I am mad at you.
- I'm warning you.
- Stop it.
- Feed me.
- Look for it.
- I want to go.
- Help me.
- Come running, I am about to die.
- Here's a spider.
- The toilet is overflowing.
- Why can't we go swimming?
- You like him better.
- Buy it for me.
- I am going to vomit.
- I require some assistance in cleaning my anus.
- You made me lose.
- I want my window down.
- Put it on my radio station.
- Those pieces look equal. You know I deserve a bigger one.
- I am not ready to go to sleep now.
- Stop telling people I used to carry a purse.
- I don't want to take a bath.
- All the other kids get to drink Mountain Dew.
- I thought I was lost.
- Make it better.
The whiner diet consists of anything that comes in a box or
contains sugar. Meat and vegetables are poison to them, and
they won't touch them. They can be persuaded to consume milk
only if it is poured over sugary cereal. Whatever you do, don't
give them caffeine after 6:00 p.m.
I will carefully observe these Whiners to see if they can be
of any benefit to modern society. They seem to be adept at
operating electronic gadgetry, but not capable of taking over
the world until they improve their communication skills.