Redneck Review

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

New Civilization Discovered!

A new civilization was discovered yesterday on the outskirts
of Redneckland, living in the Hillbilly Mansion. It appears to
consist of only two individuals, who have been named "Whiners"
by the other inhabitants.

The Whiners have highly-developed building skills, but are
quite lacking in skills such as feeding, cleaning, and entertaining
themselves, as well as interpersonal relationships.

Whiners communicate mostly with nonverbal methods. Their
repertoire includes throwing objects, poking, pinching, kicking,
thumping, and sitting on each other until tears flow.

Their limited vocabulary contains one word which has dozens
of meanings. The word "mom," when stretched out into three
syllables, can be used for:

  • Where are you?
  • I don't want to.
  • Don't change the channel.
  • I'm telling.
  • I have been wronged.
  • I am mad at you.
  • I'm warning you.
  • Please.
  • Stop it.
  • Feed me.
  • Look for it.
  • I want to go.
  • Help me.
  • Come running, I am about to die.
  • Here's a spider.
  • The toilet is overflowing.
  • Why can't we go swimming?
  • You like him better.
  • Buy it for me.
  • I am going to vomit.
  • I require some assistance in cleaning my anus.
  • You made me lose.
  • I want my window down.
  • Put it on my radio station.
  • Those pieces look equal. You know I deserve a bigger one.
  • I am not ready to go to sleep now.
  • Stop telling people I used to carry a purse.
  • I don't want to take a bath.
  • All the other kids get to drink Mountain Dew.
  • I thought I was lost.
  • Make it better.

The whiner diet consists of anything that comes in a box or
contains sugar. Meat and vegetables are poison to them, and
they won't touch them. They can be persuaded to consume milk
only if it is poured over sugary cereal. Whatever you do, don't
give them caffeine after 6:00 p.m.

I will carefully observe these Whiners to see if they can be
of any benefit to modern society. They seem to be adept at
operating electronic gadgetry, but not capable of taking over
the world until they improve their communication skills.


  • At 10:42 PM, Blogger Raehan said…

    My goodness. Whining I've never heard of such a thing. What ever might that mean? LOL

  • At 11:15 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    It means that it's nearly time to go back to school, because summer has become boring!

  • At 12:07 AM, Blogger deadpanann said…

    That's good--your list had me laughing so hard I almost passed out for lack of oxygen! Wish I could think of something clever to say in response. I can't. Maybe it's the dying brain cells.

  • At 1:33 AM, Blogger Babs said…

    The Whiner Civilization must be expanding into our redneck woods. Do you think it is an invasion? I'm scared!

  • At 9:54 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Miss Ann,
    Maybe you should have a can of oxygen ready before you read blogs. I know that Mississippi has casinos. Just go steal one from a little old man in a wheelchair. I see hundreds of them when I go gambling in St Louis.

    I have a feeling there are enclaves of Whiners almost everywhere. Be glad you are infested with Whiners, and not Bigfeet. I watch TV, and I now know that Oklahoma is a haven for Bigfeet, and y'all are just trying to keep them all to yourselves.

  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    In a few yewars, they will develop to include "mum" comments like:
    "Can I borrow the car keys"
    "I need $20"
    "What does Mary's dad mean by a 'shotgun wedding'?"
    Strike while the iron is hot, send them off to Military school.

  • At 3:33 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    #1 son already has his own car and keys, even though he's 10.

    He gets an allowance, which he has to use for all the stuff he whines for me to buy him.

    He told me during 1st grade: "You don't have to be married to have a baby. My gifted teacher is having one, and she's not married. **** has one, and he's not married" (his 20- year-old half brother). Sooo..people around here don't seem to care about "shotgun weddings" any more.

    HH threatens weekly to send him off to military school. He even knows the name of one here in Missouri. This threat is good for a couple of days.


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