Redneck Review

Monday, July 18, 2005


Friday night I was watching the Travel Channel again, because I have
no life. Those of you who share my lack of life know that Friday night
is scary night, with Most Haunted and Haunted Hotels. So I tune in
at 7:00, to get the most scare for my lifeless weekend, and what are
they showing but "Bigfootville." That is not scary, just bizarre.

Turns out that "Bigfootville" is in eastern Oklahoma. It's not a real
town, just an area where there have been many Bigfoot sightings.
HELLO! Redneck Diva? Babs? Monty? Why was I never told
about this? I read your blogs regularly, and none of you have ever
mentioned Bigfoot. Is this a secret you are keeping from us?
According to this show, just about everyone in Oklahoma but
you three has seen a Bigfoot. What gives?

Some professor said he had a friend who carved large wooden
feet and walked around leaving Bigfoot tracks. Jeez! And I thought
I had no life! He thought it was all a hoax. A park ranger guy said
he had never seen any sign, like poo or bones, to give any concrete
evidence that could be DNA analyzed. OK, smartypants, how
often do you find bear poo and skeletons? Because wouldn't you
think someone might have found this and mistook it for Bigfoot
evidence and had it analyzed? And you know what bears do in
the woods...don't you watch those toilet paper commercials?

This TV reporter went back in the swampy soggybottom land
with some guys who had seen a Bigfoot there. Did they go in
the daylight? Oh, no....let's go at night and without night vision
and scare ourselves to death in the woods with Mr. Creepy
Bigfoot watching us. They heard something up on the ridge, and
tried to see in the dark. Maybe they should have thought to take
a night-vision scope or something. Silly people. This one guy
whipped out a pistol and pointed it up the hill. Great, I thought.
He's gonna shoot that guy with the wooden feet. But no, he pointed
the red laser thing, and said "Between those trees there?" Then
a rock came flying down the hill at them. THEN Bubba shot that
pistol. Because if there is an elusive, mysterious, missing link that
the world is dying to discover throwing rocks at you, of course
you must kill it dead.

Let's be reasonable for a minute. Why would you shoot at it?
Isn't it more likely that it's some Bigfoot impersonator dressed up
in an ape suit, than an actual Bigfoot? What if Bubba had killed
someone? What's his defense? "I thought he was Bigfoot." What
if he actually killed a Bigfoot? Would he want the head to mount
on his wall? "Yep...that's a big 'un. Well, I think he's a big 'un,
but it's the only one in the history of the world, so you'll have to
take my word for it, cause there's nothin' to compare him to.
He was chuckin' rocks at us in the dark, so I killed him."

The same night of the rock chucking, there was a Bigfoot sighting
several miles away on a farm in the middle of nowhere. The guy
said there are no houses within 10 miles. He saw a Bigfoot walk
across the field in the moonlight. It put its hand on a fencepost
and stepped over the barbed wire fence. That Mr. Bigfoot sure
is athletic. I would definitely pick him first on my rock-chucking
fence-stepping team.

And wouldn't you know it--these Bigfeet pop up at will when
you don't have a camera with you, but set out some bait and
night-vision cameras, and they don't even phone to say they're
running late.

Back in the day, there was Mo-Mo, the Missouri Monster.
He must have been Bigfoot's hick cousin. I never saw one of
him, either. It's hard for me to believe such a thing exists.
Wouldn't some hillbilly have married one already, and had
a passel of kids that are hard to buy shoes for?

I may believe in ghosts, but not in Bigfoot. There's not enough
evidence. And since I'm from Missouri, you'll have to show me.


  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger Cat said…

    Hubby was born and raised in OK. and we lived there for several years. Neither of us ever saw Bigfoot! heck I never even new that is where he was from! LOL

  • At 10:16 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    I didn't know there were mountains there, either, until Redneck Diva told me. I thought Bigfoot was from the Pacific Northwest region. He's so athletic, I guess he gets around.

  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    I actually saw that show and thought it rather hilarious. Mr. Diva and I sat there laughing and of course, he just kept saying "SHOOT IT! SHOOT that sumbitch!" So yeah, I guess he thought it needed to be mounted on the wall, too.

    We also thought it strange how far Mr. Creepy Bigfoot could throw a rock. Mr. Diva theorized it was some redneck cohort with a beanie flipper.

    Back when we were playing with "white noise" we found several websites saying that NE/E OK was a hotbed of bigfoot activity but we all wondered why we'd never heard that. We're more known for our haunted mansions and theatres up here I guess.

    Speaking of haunted theatres, Hillbilly Mom, I am officially inviting you to Miami to tour the Coleman Theatre with me. You'll love it!! Bring Hillbilly Husband and we'll make a date of the evening!

  • At 12:14 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    HH doesn't like that kind of thing, even though he's never seen or heard anything ghostly. He says, "They don't talk to me." He can't stand anything scary. Remember that very first Jason movie? Where at the end, he comes up out of the lake and grabs some guy in a canoe? HH was lying in the floor, and I swear he jumped 3 feet in the air from a lying position. He screamed like a little girl, too.

    The last time we were close to your red neck of the woods was in March at the Missouri Youth Bowlers state tournament in Joplin. (I know, we're the geek family.) What's the story of the Coleman Theatre? Have you been there? Do a post about it when you can't think of anything else. Ha! Like it could be any scarier than your daily life!

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger Bert Ford said…

    Down here in Mississippi we don't have any Bigfoots, or Sasquatches, or such. However, if foks see you creepin' around in the woods at night down here, you are apt to get shot at.

  • At 10:11 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    If I see something creeping around my woods, I know it's my neighbors poaching deer and turkey on my land. I don't shoot, since they are already armed.

  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    My husband thinks the ghosts at the Coleman are a bunch of bullshit, too. They could go drink beer. He's really good at that and it's something he believes in.

    Yes, I've been to the Coleman many times as a theatre visitor and many times on a ghost tour. It's a beautiful old theatre, full of spirits, energies and well, it's just freakin' awesome. I'll post my stories about it. Today perhaps.

  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger Brian said…

    Bigfootville is good fuel for somebody that wants to make something out of nothing. The highlight is when there is bunch of hillbillies out on a wild goose chase in the woods, all scared out of their minds due to over active imaginations. To top it off one of the idiots shoots his pistol, blindly, in the pitch dark. Good move moroon ... ever heard "know whats beyond your target?" Gun owners world wide cringe at the thought of dumbasses like that.


Post a Comment

<< Home