Redneck Review

Saturday, September 17, 2005

What's For Lunch?

Back in the day, on this old TV show, HeeHaw, the audience would
shout: "Hey, Grandpa! What's for supper?" Grandpa would shout
the menu back to them. Come on. Fess up. Some of you have heard
of HeeHaw, haven't you?

Lunch with Hillbilly Mom was a veritable smorgasbord today. My
Hillbilly Husband took #1 son to a birthday party, and #2 son to
his bowling league. I was left to scrounge some leftovers for lunch,
as they would be eating elsewhere. What'd I have? A piece of
roast beast that my Hillbilly Mama prepared for us on Wednesday.
It's still good, isn't it? This is only Saturday. I keep thinking of Homer
Simpson digging his beloved sub sandwich out of the garbage, even
though its toxicity made him hallucinate. He couldn't bear to part with
it--he stroked it like a long-lost puppy.

Also on the menu was a slice of leftover Casey's cheese pizza. Casey's
makes the best pizza--for a convenience store, that is. Then there was
a green bean bacon roll-up thingy on a toothpick. My HM made this,
too. You take some green beans and roll 4 or 5 of them in a piece of
bacon and then I believe you roll it in brown sugar and then soak it
overnight in melted butter. Then you bake it and serve it hot. That can't
be the real recipe, because the melted butter would become unmelted
and then it would be one big beany bacony blob. But it is pretty tasty.
In keeping with the cuisine of my redneck motherland, nothing can be
too greasy or too fatty. Sure, we eat vegetables--if you soak them in
sugar and butter and wrap them in bacon. Oh, and let's not forget my
dessert: a fun-size Baby Ruth. So I am kind of full right now.

I didn't have to eat leftovers for lunch. I did run to town for a quick
stop at Save-A-Lot for some baby wipes, the miracle cleaner of
shoe soles (lots of that red rock on the playground) and white boards
(blackboards are so 10-minutes-ago) and believe it or not, even babies'
butts. No, I don't have a baby's butt to clean, but one of my students
pointed that out as I was cleaning the board and extolling the value
of a good baby wipe. While I was at the store, I also picked up some
bread and cheese and Little Debbie Cosmic Brownies (the breakfast
of champions) and bananas and ham-for-lunches and bread and
salsa and lettuce and Juicy Fruit and Winterfresh gum. So I could
have picked up something for lunch.

I went to Sonic to feed my Large Cherry Diet Coke addiction. I could
have picked up something there. After 10 minutes in line, I was starting
to wish I had. Because I was really hungry. Why? Because it was 1:08
pm, and my school lunchtime is 10:53 am. Oh, and it is actually 10
freakin' 40 am, because our clocks are set 13 minutes ahead of time
in the real world, due to bus issues. But don't y'all worry about me.
I'm not going to waste away. I could live for a couple years on my
fat stores.

The Sonic Large Cherry Diet Coke started some issues. It was not
my regular Sonic guy making the soda today. On Wednesday, he
rubbed his finger across my palm when he gave me my 17 cents
change. I am not making this up. That kid has a bad case of "gotta-
get-me-some-Hillbilly-Mom-itis." Today it was the kind of homely
girl who is really nice, but doesn't make such good soda. She
tried to make up for it the other day by putting in 6 cherries, but it
wasn't the same. Today the cups had some kind of funk on the outside.
I didn't notice it until I was home. It was not the usual condensation,
but something more sinister and slimy. I'm hoping that maybe she
just sneezed or something before picking up the cups. I don't want
to think it was anything worse. I noticed it right after preparing my
lunch. Maybe it was some fat on my hands from slicing the roast
beast or picking up the green bean roll-up. Maybe.

Oh, and did I tell you? When I took my green bean roll-up out of
the microwave, there was a long black hair on the plate. My HM
has red hair, so she was off the hook. And she hasn't mentioned
clubbing with Fabio anymore, so I don't think it came from her
house. That would leave only me as the hair donor. I didn't freak
out. Hey, I had just washed my hair this morning. It is clean.

Are you gagging yet? I really wasn't planning to make you sick.
But sometimes things just don't turn out the way we planned, now
do they? Bon appetite!


  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger coffee and cigarettes said…

    I think you reached an acceptable level of pushing the food boundaries. My dear father has a habit of cooking himself a barbecue every second day, if not every day, leaving everything outside after cooking and not putting it back in the fridge until someone else notices and complaints about how gross it is to leave stuff out. He did this yesterday again and my sister threw out the meat (which had become multicoloured) as well as the margarine (which had been exposed to the elements all night, because really, the margarine doesn't need to have its lid to put back on, thus was also multicoloured and parts of it were stiff and cracked) and naturally my father was horrified when he went to cook again... he started ranting about not being able to find the meat and did the cat eat it, then my sister mentioned how she had thrown meat out of margarine so of course he had to rush to the bin to check if they were at an acceptable level of re-cooking. Unfortunately my mother had emptied an ashtray into the bin, along with various other stinky things... then Mr angry pants stomped around for about 10 minutes until my mother told him to shut up and go to the supermarket which was only halfway down the block

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger coffee and cigarettes said…

    PS the reason my mother encouraged him to go to the supermarket is because you could see the temptation on my father's face "if I just put them under the tap...?"

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    My Hillbilly Husband will eat anything that he finds in the fridge that isn't green. I tell him all the time that stuff is too old. But let him open the bread and find a spot of mold, and he's gagging like he's going to die.

    I have a problem when HH barbecues, because he loads all the meat on a tray to take outside. That means the kids' hot dogs might roll around in the chicken juice. HH says there's nothing wrong with that. Also, he lets flies land all over the meat while he's waiting to put it on the grill. He thinks that's OK, too. Probably because he's had a couple beers and everything seems OK to him.

    I guess all guys have a little Homer in them.

  • At 1:03 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    Why didn't you take that hair, wrap it in bacon, drop it into some melted butter.... You get the idea.
    One of these days I will have to try a SOnic thingy. Do they come in Pepsi flavour, or is it just another franchise of the Coca-Cola kind?

  • At 2:04 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Sorry, Sonic has Cocoa Cola products. Some people like the Vanilla Dr. Pepper, but not me. I hate vanilla.

    They have limeade, though, and slushes.

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    When Sonic starts carrying Pepsi products it will be a sad, sad day indeed. I don't think a Sonic drink would be as good with a Pepsi product.

    We've been hittin' the Sonic a lot lately and I must say it's been great. And I always think of you. How's that make you feel? A little oogey? Like, "Why is that strange woman thinking about me again? I can feel her thinking about me and my Sonic drink and frankly, I'm frightened. Hold me, Hillbilly Husband!"

    We don't have a drive-thru at our Sonic and the two guy carhops are very, very gay, so the chances of me getting a palm rub with change are slim. I'd have better odds at the Elks Lodge. From a woman.

  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Oh I forgot to comment on redneck food!

    When I moved out of Mom's house and headed to the great land of OSU and all things Cowboy (aka Stillwater, OK) she handed me a jelly jar full of bacon grease. She said I just couldn't cook properly without it. I moved home not very long after I left and gave her back the jar. But when I got married, I again got the jar of bacon grease. Some things are just a rite of passage in redneck kitchens.

    I still have the same jar and Mr. Diva has asked me many times if I think that some of the original bacon grease from 13 years ago still resides in the very bottom of that jar. It's entirely possible. How gross is that???

  • At 10:28 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    I always think that because of the Seinfeld where Jerry and George were "outed," even though they weren't gay.

    My grandma gave me a little ceramic pig thingy to hold bacon grease. I don't go much for the savin' of the grease, though. My Hillbilly Mama always has some on hand. I just throw in some meat when I cook, like bacon in the green beans or baked beans.


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