How Poor Was I?

OK, I'm not talking about homeless poor, or even college-student
poor, like when you sell your plasma to buy beer. (I never did
that, but one of my roommates did). No, what I'm talking about
is the poorest I've ever been with a full-time job.

When I drove through the bank for some cash yesterday, there
was a man lingering beside the building. I was suspicious, because
even though I live in Hooterville, we've had bank robbers. I didn't
much care if this guy robbed the bank, but I didn't want him to
snatch my cash as it came out of the machine. There was one car
ahead of me, then I took my turn. Of course we popped the door
locks. When I left, I looked back, and loiterer was standing at
the cash machine. Which reminded me of a story....

Back in the day, when I was young and without responsibilities,
I took a job at a small school in Sheldon, Missouri. Actually, it
was the only school in Sheldon, Missouri. It was Kindergarten
through 12th grade. There were about 8 students in each grade,
except the sophomores, who had tripletts in their class.

This was a small small town. No grocery store or gas station.
It did have a bank. The bank was open 9:00-3:00, with the
drive-thru open until 5:00, and on Saturday mornings. I walked
to school because it was only about a half-mile, and I was very
poor and wanted to save gas. Now that's poor...not wanting to
drive 1 mile per day.

On payday, I would walk home and stand in line with the cars
at the drive-thru window. I wasn't about to walk home and
drive my car a block to deposit my check. We only got paid
once a month. My take-home pay was $560 per month.
Granted, this wasn't modern times, and a dollar went a little
further back then. But not much, because it was Reaganomics,
baby. There were not many jobs, and nobody was spending
money. My salary was $8700 PER YEAR. Where did people
get off saying teachers were overpaid? And I think Missouri
was ranked 49 out of the 50 states back then in teachers' salaries.
WooHoo, Arkansas, we had you punks beat! This was before
the minimum salary law that nearly doubled my salary the next
year when I moved on. So I waited in line, breathing car exhaust,
walking forward as each car pulled up. There wasn't exactly a rush.
The most in line was 3: a car, me, and another car.

WooHoo! Payday meant I could pay my rent, car payment, phone
bill, set aside some for the insurance payment, buy gas, and buy
groceries. That $560 didn't last long. I had to drive to Nevada for
groceries. No, not the state, silly. It was the town in Missouri up
Highway 71, where they pronounce it "Nuh VAY duh." I only
bought the staples that I would need to survive for the next month.
And after shopping, I could drive through the McDonald's and buy
a hamburger or fries. That's right. I could only afford a hamburger
OR fries, not both. My money was budgeted to the cent.

Do you know what I ate? Cream of wheat for breakfast. Yeah,
that grainy stuff you boil and it turns to mush. And not the flavored
kind, either. I had it straight, with only a spoonful of sugar sprinkled
on top. I had it for supper sometimes, too. I didn't eat lunch.
Occasionally I had meat--the cheapest hot dogs I could buy.
On bread, no buns. Ramen noodles, which I sometimes ate dry
and crunchy so I could save the flavor packet to make some soup.
Sometimes I had real chicken noodle soup. Macaroni and
cheese, with just margarine mixed in, because I couldn't afford milk.
And now, you're in for a real treat, because I am going to share my
special recipe for macaroni and cheese pizza. Actually, I found this
recipe in an ad in an old Redbook magazine that my mom gave me.

Here's how to make it. Cook the macaroni as usual. Grease a
pizza pan. Dump the macaroni and cheese on it, and spread it
out and pack it down. That is the crust. Pour a can of tomato
sauce on it. Sprinkle with parmesan cheese. You can add meat
if you have it. A sliced hot dog will work. Bake at a temperature
for a time that I can not remember. Remove from oven, slice,
and eat. It tastes like...rubbery macaroni and cheese with tomato
sauce and hot dog. Not by any stretch of the imagination even
remotely like a pizza.

I could not even afford soda. I had to wash that "pizza" down
with tap water.

O