Redneck Review

Saturday, June 11, 2005

RedNickNames

I saw that Redneck Diva's sister was guest blogging Friday,
and she gave me the most scathingly brilliant idea. Well, an idea,
anyway. I noticed that she was going by the name of Taterbug.
That got me to thinking about nicknames that I have heard in my
Redneck life, and how much I'd like to share those with you.
Some are from childhood, some from college, some from schools.
If you hear your nickname, don't automatically assume I'm talking
about you. Because it isn't all about you, you know. Oh, and some
may not be politically correct. They are not meant to be malicious.
Some of us just didn't know no better.

So here they are, in all their glory, and in no particular order:

mad dog, juana, mooner, normal, mouse, hunky, night train, ratface,
amazon child, the gimp, that one girl, lazy eye, whore of 8th floor,
doll hair, forehead, cat-suck hair, ferd, roadhaz, sac, bean, cheddar,
that mountainous growing girl, lebinda, the kid, child bride, the hump,
tomato face, rip, horseface, pignose, beachball head, fudgepacker,
grandpadad, peterpuller, that dirty girl, twindaddy, tatoo boy,
poor black box, melody/harmony, bighead, ski-nose/butt-chin,
blackjack, the nudists, sleep, cartire, tuna, bore moore, tater, boo,
pud, penrod, the incredible hunk. And, of course, Bubba.

That concludes your trip down Redneck Nickname Lane. Please
move in an orderly fashion to Hillbilly Mom's Movie Challenge.
Single file, please, no need to push. There is room for everyone.

Hillbilly Mom's Movie Challenge v 3.0

Well, it's Saturday, and time for my Bad Movie Challenge. Please
play along if you have ever watched a bad movie and will admit to
it. Some of the movies aren't bad, but most of them are. This week,
I will throw in a couple of classics, for those of you who were
stumped by last week's quotes.

And Alexandrialeigh, I added a couple for you. You may not know
the movie, but I think you will recognize the quotes as some of the
things you hate people to say. How convenient that I was making
up my list, saw your post Friday, and had just heard these quotes
the day before.

Leave your answers in the comments. Correct answers will be posted
on Wednesday, June 15. You may begin.

1. "How'd you get the beans above the frank?"

2. "We're not bad people, Mac. We're just underachievers."

3. "Tina! Eat some ham."

4. "Here's a stick to beat the lovely lady."

5. "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He opens a window."

6. "I think this is one of those places where they would rather see
you dance, than me dance."

7. "Now you start using your head! That's that lump about 3 feet
above your a$$. !"

8. "It's going to get worse before it gets better."

9. "Why do you ask so many questions?"
"I'm a kid. That's my job."

10. "And Coach? That scholarship? All the way with a red-hot poker."

Friday, June 10, 2005


"I'm making a list and checking it twice..."
Posted by Hello

Dating Horror Stories

Yesterday's post made me think of a dating horror story from my
friend "Kelsie," who used to live in my apartment complex. Kelsie
was a teacher at a neighboring redneck school district. Of course,
her middle school students were always trying to set her up with
their relatives. Wisely, she resisted these offers.

Kelsie frequently complained that there was no one in this area
to date. Sometime close to Halloween, one of her school district's
bus drivers asked her out. She thought about it for a while, and
decided that since she knew him, it would be OK.

I can't remember the specifics of the date, even though she came
over to tell me about it when she got home that night. I don't think
he did anything too bad, or I would remember it. It seems like
they just didn't hit it off. She saw him at school, and when he
asked her out again, she told him no, that she didn't want to date
anyone for a while. He said that was fine, and that was the end
of it. Or so she thought.

A couple weeks before Christmas, Kelsie came over with an
envelope in her hand. "Look at this and tell me what you think."

I opened it. It was a Christmas card. On the front was Santa with
his list. The caption read: "I'm making a list and checking it twice..."

"Open it," Kelsie said.

Inside it was blank, with the handwritten message: "AND
YOU'RE NOT ON IT, B!%@# " (only he spelled out the
"B" word.)

Kelsie was really disturbed by that card. She figured the guy
must be a psycho to hold a grudge that long. For the rest of
the school year she avoided him. She never told anyone at
school about it, because she thought it was her fault for going
out with him in the first place.

The moral of this story, if there is one: Don't break up with a
psycho until after Christmas.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


Here is the New! Improved! Hillbilly Fish Pond.
What do you think? Old or new? Was it worth a couple
hundred bucks to improve this money-sucking fish pond?
Most of the moolah went for rocks. No, people, rocks
are not free, even in Redneckland. What...you think rocks
grow on trees? What's the matter with you people?
My chief complaint with the old one was the green water.
I do believe that has not changed. Which looks better?
Posted by Hello

This is the old Hillbilly Fish Pond.
Posted by Hello

Bad Date 101

It is hot hot hot this week. Lower nineties, high humidity. I sweat
when I just look outside. Which of course reminds me of a story...

Back in the day, when I was out of high school, but still living at
home and attending junior college (hey, it was 5 miles away and
I had a scholarship), I had my worst date ever. It was even worse
than my he's going to murder me and hide the body date that I
blogged about last week.

"Kevin" was the boyfriend of one of my high school friends who
had gone off to college on a volleyball scholarship. Her, not him,
because around here boys don't play volleyball. "Denise" was
home for the summer. Kevin got it in his head that we should
double date. "I've got just the guy for you," he said.

"Roger" was a nice-enough guy. He was older than us, though,
by about 6-7 years. That is way older when you still think like
a kid. He was an adult. He even had a real job, a writer for the
St. Louis Post Dispatch. He was very polite and mature. I didn't
dislike Roger, but there was certainly no love connection there.

Kevin decided we would go to St. Louis to a movie. He volunteered
to drive his Jeep CJ5, which, though not exactly a luxury sedan,
was our best option. I had a Chevy Vega, Denise had a Mustang,
and Roger had some little sportscar. You know those writers--they
are just made of money.

The day of the big date rolled around, and the temperature had to
be in the 90s. It was one of those muggy, not-quite-sunny-not-quite-
cloudy days. Being from Redneckland, both men rode in the front
seats of the Jeep. Denise and I squeezed into the back. I don't mean
squeezed because we were fat--she was 5'10 and I was 5'8. We
folded up our legs and tried to catch a breath of air. Believe it or
not, this Jeep had no air conditioning. Kevin had on the canvas top,
but the flaps didn't give us much of a breeze in the back.

The ride from Redneckland to South County Mall took an hour.
During this time, the only conversation was between Kevin and
Roger. There was so much road noise that we couldn't talk to
the guys. When we got there, Denise and I were soaked with
sweat. I don't mean a little under the armpits, or on the upper lip.
My hair was dripping. Sweat had run down my back and down
my front. The whole waist area of my jeans was soaking wet.
Denise was as sweaty as me. The guys had normal sweat. I did
not even want to go in, I was so embarrassed. But we did. And
sweat makes you very cold in the air conditioning. At least it was
dark. I don't remember anything about after the movie, or the
ride home. I do remember the movie: The Frisco Kid.

To this day, I can not stand Gene Wilder.

I went out with Roger again, to dinner at some pizza restaurant
in Festus. That was only 30 minutes away, and we took his
sportscar. Roger ordered a pitcher of beer. And one glass. OK,
we're clear that he's an adult and I'm not. That kind of irked me.
I felt like a child. After that, I didn't really want to continue things
with Roger.

He dropped by one afternoon while I was on my carport shooting
baskets. Because there's nothing else to do in Hooterville during
the summer. You can only go to the slime pond (oops...now it's
the state park) to swim in the left-over lead-contaminated lake
so many times. So I'm all sweaty, standing in the sun, and here
comes Mr. Roger down the driveway. I kept shooting. He came
over and made a little small talk about how he'd been thinking
about me. Then he kissed me.

This wasn't some little peck on the cheek. This was a big ol'
tongue-stabbing slimy suck-out-my-entrails kind of kiss. I was
not prepared for it. Now this kind of kiss is fine if you want it,
and in the proper setting, but this was not it. Out of the corner
of my eye, I saw the sheer curtains of the living room window
move, and I knew my Hillbilly Mama was observing this untimely
molestation of her goody-goody daughter. That definitely did not
enhance the situation.

What did I do? I laughed. I had to break the suction of that kiss,
or my pent-up horsey guffaw was going to go right down loverboy's
throat and up into his brain cavity. The pressure might have popped
his eyeballs like one of those rubber squeezy little stress guys. I pulled
away with a 'pop' like when you open a new jar of dill pickles. "I've
got to go," I told him, putting my hand over my mouth so he couldn't
see the grin that was turning into a hysterical laugh. I ran into the
house, wiping off my mouth with the back of my hand. I left him
standing there under the basketball goal. Hillbilly Mama had made
herself scarce. I went to the window and peeped out. He stood
there a minute, then got in his sportscar and backed up the driveway.

I did not hear from Roger again. If I had know then what I know
now, I could have just told him, "Dude, I'm really not that into you."

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Where There's Smoke, There's No Hillbilly Mom

I notice that deadpanann and Vavoom have both had posts about
smoking during the past week or so. Or about quitting smoking,
to be exact. This is one problem I don't have.

Have I ever tried smoking? Yes, I admit that I have, due to peer
pressure. Unlike deadpanann, I was not an impressionable 13-
year-old. I was an impressionable 26-year-old. OK, so I was a
late bloomer.

I went to high school so long ago that the school let kids smoke.
They could smoke on the fence, or they could smoke in the student
lounge. Student lounge, you say? Yes. It was a little building out
behind the school, with tables and chairs and soda machines. You
could buy a lunch tray and take it out there if you wanted. And
there was no teacher on duty to supervise it, either. This was so
long ago that it was not uncool to smoke. It wasn't such a rebel
thing to do. This was the last days of the sex, drugs, rock & roll
era. Smoking was a pretty mild vice.

I only had one friend who smoked. I did not exactly run with the
popular crowd, but I was in sports and band with them. I never
went to their parties where they (gasp!) drank, and smoked pot,
and had sex in the dark and when the lights went on some guy
was on his sister. (I think that's an urban legend, and not actually
something unique to my high school.) So I never had any pressure
to smoke during that stage of my life.

I went away to college, and was not around many smokers there,
either. The year I lived in the dorm was the closest. They didn't
care who smoked or didn't. The people I had classes with and
hung around were those in the PE/Health department, so not
much smoking was going on there.

Then I graduated and got a real job or two in teaching, and I met
the real smokers. I do not know much about smoking, but I know
that I had two friends who each bought a carton of cigarettes a
week. I don't even know how many packs are in a carton. I do
know one of them told me he smoked two packs a day.

So I had these smoking friends, "Betty" and "Bob." We hung out
together all the time, because hey, there's nothing to do in Cuba,
Missouri. On Saturday nights, there were teacher parties, but on
Friday nights we were on our own. That meant going to one of
our houses to watch movies or play cards or Scrabble or Upwords.
I could beat them at the word games. Hey, I wasn't miss goody-
goody valedictorian for nothing. But they could beat me at poker.
So one Friday night, they decided that taking all my money wasn't
good enough--that they must also ridicule me.

We sat around Bob's kitchen table at his townhouse. There was
some ridiculous poker game in progress: Indian poker, or liars'
poker, or Dr. Pepper, or one-eyed jacks, or something. I think
they changed the rules every hand. There are probably no such
games as what they were "teaching" me.

Betty had brought some Rold Gold Pretzel Rods, our snack of
choice. She held one like a cigar, chomping on it every now and
then, when she wasn't busy actually smoking, or raking my money
into her pile. And Betty got a bright idea.

"Hey, Hillbilly Mom, what you really need is a cigarette."

"Come on, try one. Let's see what you look like smoking."

Now maybe, just maybe, there was some alcohol involved.
I wanted to go along with them. They were soooo funny. The
three of us had as much fun as is legally possible for three
people to have. Betty gave me a cigarette and lit it, and Bob
tried to show me how to hold it. So I caved to the peer pressure.

"Look at her!" Cackle, cackle.

"I can't believe how she holds it!" Guffaw.

"You look like you've never smoked before!" (Well, duh!)

"You have to inhale it." Takes a long drag to show me.

"Now tap the ashes." Pushes ashtray toward me.

"I'm gonna die laughing. She looks so funny!" Har har har.

"Uh...guys...I'm right here!" Getting annoyed.

Hee hee haw haw. "I can't stand it! Stop! Now! Falls out of
chair laughing at me.

So I tried it. And I don't know what all the fuss is about. Even
if I had looked cool, which it appears that I did not, I don't
know what people get out of it.

Unless it is a good laugh at me trying it.

Answers to Hillbilly Mom's Movie Challenge v 2.0

Time for the answers to Saturday's movie challenge. The winner
again this week is Rebecca . Seems she was almost 2nd, 3rd,
and Miss Congeniality for the week, too, until deadpanann came
through with a late entry. Congratulations, deadpanann, you get
2nd place. Will someone else play this game Saturday? Anybody....
anybody...? We don't want Rebecca to think she is the supreme
bad movie database. Good work, Rebecca, for the 8 out of
10 correct. Deadpanann, you must either be watching movies
that are not bad enough, or else you have a life. Better luck this
Saturday.

1. "I've got the most scathingly brilliant idea."
Hayley Mills to June Harding, in The Trouble With Angels.

2. "Your aorta is in your neck."
"Good to know."
Whoopi Goldberg and Angelina Jolie, in Girl, Interrupted.

3. "You girls watch out for the weirdos."
"We are the weirdos, mister."
Busdriver and Fairuza Balk, in The Craft.

4. "I'm surprised you don't just chuck it all and start your
own think tank."
Moira Kelly to D.B. Sweeney, in The Cutting Edge.

5. "...is an ex kindergarten teacher and a former nun, who just
escaped from the convent and is tired of being the only virgin
in New York City."
Maria Bello in Coyote Ugly.

6. "Now Debra, don't be bitter. Certainly with your growing
collection of flesh-mutilating silver appendages, and your brand
new neo-Nazi boot-camp makeover, the boys will come a-runnin'."
Renee Zellweger to Robin Tunney, in Empire Records.

7. "Tess, this is business. Let's just bury the hatchet, OK?"
"You know where you can bury your hatchet? Now get your
bony a## out of here!"
Sigourney Weaver and Melanie Griffith, in Working Girl.

8. "Time to join Mrs. Earthworm...if she's still alive in there."
Adrian Brody to Maura Tierney, as he prepares to bury her
alive with his previous victim, in Oxygen.

9. "You are just like all the other girls. This is your defense,
your puny faith?"
"No. My keen fashion sense."
Rutger Hauer and Kristy Swanson, in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

10. "I knowed that woman all my life, and I ain't never stood
outside her house. She'd let a wolf in if it knocked at her door."
Renee Zellweger to Nicole Kidman, in Cold Mountain.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


The "haunted" gym, taken from the lobby area, looking toward the locker room.
Posted by Hello

Haunted Gym Haunts Others Too

This is the fifth and last true ghost tale until further freaky things
happen to me.

The Cuba High School gym affected two other coaches as well.
Coach "Stew" was the girls' basketball coach, and I was his
assistant. We came back from a tournament one night in the middle
of a little snowstorm. The bus pulled up in front of the gym lobby.
Coach Stew said he would walk around to the girls' locker room
and come through the gym to unlock the lobby doors and let us
in. This was back in the day when the players dressed up a little
bit for the games. They didn't want to go through the snow.

We gave him a few minutes, then went to wait by the glass lobby
doors for him to unlock the chain. I saw Coach Stew come out
of the gym door. He looked odd, a bit flustered. His eyes were
wide, and his hair kind of looked like it was standing up. I figured
it was the wind when he walked around. We went in. He wasn't
acting like himself, so I asked:

"What's the matter?"

"I'll tell you later. Let these girls get a ride."

Coach Stew paced around the lobby while the girls used the
payphone and left one by one. With only a couple girls left
down the hall by the phone, Coach Stew said:

"Come here." He pulled me off to the side, out of the girls' sight.
"Who did you let follow me through the locker room?"

"No one."

"Come on, I'm not mad. Was it "Shelley?"

"No. No one followed you. Those girls aren't going to walk
through snow in those shoes. We all stood by the doors waiting
for you to let us in. What's going on?"

"Are you sure? I walked out into that gym, and when I got about
halfway across, I heard someone following me. I thought it was
one of the girls trying to scare me. I stopped. They stopped. I
went on, and I heard it again. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I
threw my arm out and said 'Get out of here!' and swatted behind
me. There was no one there! Then I started running until I got to
the bleachers, and walked out here like nothing was going on. I
didn't want to scare the girls."

"I don't want to go through there."

"I don't want to go back through by myself. We've got to lock
this chain again after they leave."

"I'll stay and go with you, but we're going through together. And
I'm holding on to you!"

All the girls got picked up. Stew locked the chain, and we linked
elbows and entered the dark gym. We both kept talking and
walked as fast as we could with our arms linked. We made it
to the locker room, where it was not so creepy.

The next day, we told "Mark", the baseball coach, about the
incident.

"Hey, I've got one too. I come in here every morning to run laps
for an hour. I get here about 6:00, turn on the lights for my half
the gym, and run half-court laps. The other morning I saw "Leland"
(maintenance guy) up in the bleachers. He was going from one
end to the other, sweeping them off. I finished my workout around
7:00. Leland had been gone for about a half-hour. I walked around
a minute to cool down, and I saw him go by out in the hall. I walked
over to the door and yelled 'Hey, Lee, what were you doing here
so early?' And he said, 'Huh? I just got here.'"

That now concludes Hillbilly Mom's tales of the supernatural.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Do You Want Meth With That?

Check this out. It seems that the McDonalds here in Redneckland
offers just a little bit more to the customers than other Mcdonalds.

Here's my haunted gym. The shadows are from the camera flash. Those light brown doors are my storage room, and that girl is standing by my locker room. The "haunted" storage room is not visible. It's across from where the picture-taker was standing.
Posted by Hello

Haunted Gym?

This is the fourth installment of my true ghost tales.

Many years ago, I coached volleyball in Cuba, Missouri. We
could start volleyball 2 weeks before school started in August,
which was the hottest time of year. For that reason, I had practice
from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m.

At the end of practice on Friday of the first week, I told the
girls to run sprints, and then we would be done. They left,
and I pushed the volleyball rack in the storage room, and hung
up the net bag full of extra balls. Then I walked across the gym
and turned off the lights at that end. I walked down that side
and opened the light box at the other end, and heard a "click."

Movement to my right caught my eye, and I turned to see the
double metal doors across the gym slowly swing open. They
opened simultaneously, about half-way. I looked for a minute,
and saw something white in there, about 3 feet high. I couldn't
see very well, because it was dark in that room, and half the
gym lights were already out. My logical mind thought: oh,
one of the girls stayed behind to scare me. I waited for them
to say something, but they didn't. So I said:

"OK, you scared me. Come on out."

Nothing.

"Ha, ha. Very funny. Come on."

Nothing.

By now, I felt dumb. Maybe it wasn't a girl in a white T-shirt
crouching in a closet to scare me. Another logical explanation
came to mind: it was the deflated, rolled-up, white canvas
high-jump pit on its rolling cart. That lasted about 15 seconds,
until I thought: I just stepped over that cart in the other storage
room when I hung up the volleyballs. Now it was getting creepy.
I had to turn out the lights, which would leave me in total darkness
to make my way across the gym. All I would have to guide me
was the strip of light beneath my locker room door at the other
end of the gym. And there were the volleyball net and guide wires
holding it up that I had to avoid.

I turned off the switches to the lights. Total darkness, except for
my quarter-inch crack of light. As with the other nights, I headed
across the gym to the wall, then I could follow it to the locker room.
But tonight I was scared. It took forever. I slammed into the wall,
hands outstretched. I ran along the wall until I was "safe" in the
lighted locker room. I gathered up my stuff, went out the back
door to my car, locking the back locker room door. That was the
only way in and out at night. The main doors to the school were
chained and padlocked from the inside.

I drove home, about 4 blocks away. I was really getting scared
now. I had planned to drive to Springfield the next day, where
I had been taking graduate classes that summer. I was going to
pack things up from my sublet apartment. Now I got to thinking:
what was that white thing? What if it followed me? (I know, I'm
nuts). So I was going to drive down to Springfield that night. Just
as I was putting stuff in the car, another thought hit me: I didn't
turn off the exhaust fans in the gym. They were the big fans up
in the wall at the end where the thing was in the storage room.

I did not want to go back into that building. But if I didn't,
and those fans overheated and burned the school down over
the weekend, I would be in big trouble. I went back into the
house and got a flashlight. My mind kept telling me: no no no
don't go back in there! But I had to. I was a responsible adult.

By now it was around 10:15 p.m. I drove back to school. On
the way, I told myself: if it was a girl in there trying to scare me,
she would have to come out the back locker room door. And
if so, that door would be unlocked now, because it takes a key
to lock it from the outside. I almost had myself believing this,
until I tried the door, and it was locked just as I had left it.

I went in and turned on the locker room lights. I had one doorstop
to prop open one of the double doors to the gym. That didn't
give me much more light than the strip I had before. I turned on
the flashlight. This was kind of creepy, my flashlight in a big dark
gym. I ducked under the net, and took a diagonal path to the
light box.

Before I turned off the fans, I was thought: are those doors still
open? Is that white thing still in there? I wanted to look, but I
didn't want to look. I turned the flashlight that way, and the doors
were still open, but the white thing was gone! Eeeeeee! I turned
off the exhaust fans. Then the gym was dead silent. I could hear
my breathing, and I swear I could hear my heart. I pointed my
flashlight back toward the locker room, and took off running.
This was back in the day of the slick parachute-pants style of
sweatsuit. SWISH SWISH SWISH in the silent gym. I wanted
to scream. I felt like something was in the gym with me. I got
out of that building as fast as I could, and high-tailed it back to
Springfield that night. I got there around 1:00 a.m. and just about
gave my roommate a heart attack.

"You scared me!"

"You think you're scared? Listen to this!"

I could not sleep the rest of the night. The next week of practice,
I told the girls that the last one to finish sprints had to stay and
help me close up the gym. I held the other locker room door
open so a path of light sprayed out into the gym. The girl turned
off the lights. At the end of the season party, I told them the
whole story.

"You made us do it because you were scared?"

"I sure did."

They forgave me. But the next year, they ran those sprints a
lot faster.

Tomorrow, I will conclude my true ghost story series with two
tales from other coaches haunted by the Cuba gym.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Smells, Sounds, and Night-Time Visitors

The third true ghost story in my series is not really a ghost story
for me. I was not at all frightened by this set of phenomena. Most
of it happened the year my father died.

Dad died April 19 of that year. I had not been a big believer in
people communicating from beyond the grave. At this point, I'd
had a scary incident happen at a school, but that was it.

The first thing that happened was a lot of hang-up phone calls.
The phone rang, but nobody was there. The caller ID said
"Unknown name." I was not working anywhere at the time, having
taken a year off to have #2 son. I knew it wasn't any students
prank-calling. I assumed it was telemarketing. This happened
4 or 5 times a day, for about two months.

Second thing: #2 son lost his nook. That was his pacifier that they
gave him at the hospital, the big ugly brown thing. He couldn't live
without it. He lost it once before, and after hours of searching, we
were relieved to find it under my husband's nightstand. #2 had a
habit of grabbing the ring part and flipping the nook out of his
mouth. He was inconsolable without it. This time it had been gone
for 2 days. He cried all the time. No other pacifier would do. We
tore the house apart. We searched every room, even where he
never went. Closets, laundry room, bathrooms, basement. No nook.
Then I got up one morning and walked through the laundry room
to go outside and feed the dog, and there it was. Right in the middle
of the tile floor. I almost stepped on it. It had not been there the
previous two days. I only did laundry on the weekends, and had
been there each morning to go out to feed the dog.

Third thing: just after the nook-finding incident, we had an epidemic
of coin-finding. In the house, it was dimes. They were in the kitchen
and laundry room, mainly. Out of the house, it was pennies. We
found some coin about every other day for a couple of weeks.
Then it stopped.

Fourth thing: shorly after the funeral, we had a night where the house
would not be quiet. I stayed up late in the living room every night,
because #2 son was 2 months old, and I could hear him cry better
from the living room. The house popped and cracked, about every
3-5 seconds. It came from the stairs, the kitchen, the living room,
the basement. It had not done this before, and didn't do it after.
At the time, I thought the house was settling. We had built it over
the summer and moved in during November, and it was now late
April. I could not even doze off in the recliner, because these pops
and cracks were loud. Then I heard something in the basement.
"Errrr.....errrrr.......errrr." I went down to check. It was #1 son's
remote control dump truck driving itself. The power switch had
been left on.

The next morning, my mom called, as she did every morning. I
told her I hardly got any sleep. She said, "Me neither. I went to
the cemetery yesterday evening, because the people called and
said they put in your dad's headstone. When I got there, I couldn't
find it. I looked around, and they had put it on the wrong grave.
I have been worried about that all night. I couldn't sleep. I am
going to call them as soon as they're open so they can fix it."

Fifth thing: It was the middle of August, my first day to report
to school for my new teaching job. I put #2 son on his changing
table to get him ready. #1 son was tagging along behind me. We
smelled pipe tobacco. It was what my dad had smoked--a blend
of Kentucky Club and some cherry stuff that he mixed up. I had
gotten that job because at my dad's funeral, I talked to someone
who worked at the school who said, "We have a science opening.
You should apply."

We smelled this pipe tobacco another time in the car, about 2-3
months later. I also smelled coffee and cigarettes in the living room
one morning, neither of which we have in our house, both of which
my dad used to start the day.

Sixth thing: after #2 had graduated from crib to bed, I would go
in to check on him at night and to cover him. He was always
twisted up in the blanket, or had it kicked off the side of his
little car bed. Some nights, the blanket would be spread in a
perfect rectangle. Not a crease or wrinkle, picture perfect. How
did he do that, I would wonder. Then #2 started telling me his
grandpa came to his room at night. He didn't even know his
grandpa...he was only two months old when he died. I asked
him what he did at night. "Nuffin'. He is here to see if everything
is OK."

Seventh thing: a couple years later, I was sitting in the living room
one morning, and heard one of the boys get up for the bathroom.
I heard the seat go up, peeing, then the toilet flush. I thought it was a
little strange, since neither one ever lifted the seat, and neither one
liked to flush. I got up to go see which boy did it, to praise him for
the flushing and seat-lifting. They were both sound asleep in their
beds. Hubby had been gone to work for hours.

Eighth thing: I was in the living room watching TV one afternoon.
Hubby had taken the boys to town. I heard the kitchen door
slam, and footsteps halfway through the kitchen. I got up to see
it they had forgotten something, since they had only been gone
about 20 minutes. No one was there. The truck was gone. It
was just me in the house.

Ninth thing: in December the year Dad died, I was at my mom's
house wrapping gifts until about 11:00 p.m. I had #2 son with me.
I said goodbye, and pulled out on the highway that would take
me by the back of Mom's house. Just as I pulled out, a blue-green
sphere of light about the size of a softball came across the sky,
over my car, and went over her house, landing in the side yard.
The best way to describe it is a ball of light like comes out of
a roman candle, only bigger. This was before I had a cell phone,
so I called her as soon as I got home. "You'd better check your
side yard. I saw a ball of fire go over your house. It might have
been a meteor or something." She looked, but nothing was there.

Now here's two things that happened to my mom right after
Dad died. His alarm went off every morning at the time he
used to get up. What's odd about that? They had not even
slept upstairs for a two weeks, and hadn't used the alarms.
He'd been in a hospital bed in the family room. She said it
scared her the first time. She went to turn it off. They each
had an old-fashioned plug-in alarm clock on their side of
the bed. It was his going off. She said, "Well, I thought that
when I walked around to get clothes I might have jarred
the floor, and that made the alarm set itself." After a few
days of it going off, she unplugged it.

Mom took the truck and both cars to get them inspected
so she could get the licenses. It was an all-day project for
her. Dad usually did it. When she got home with the last
one, the porchlights on the outside of the garage went off
and came back on as she pulled into the driveway. She
said it was like a wink. The lights had not done that before,
or since then.

Now that you think I am completely nuts...I will prove it
to you tomorrow, with the tale of the haunted gym.