Too Much Time On My Hands

I haven't done anything interesting today. What do I do when
there's nothing to do? Watch movies, of course. Oh, they're not
good movies, most of them. But they are the ones that I enjoy
and watch over and over. So as a special treat to you, we are
going to have a Hillbilly Mom Movie Challenge.

The object of this little contest is to see how many movies you
can name correctly from a quote in the movie. I don't think anyone
will get them all, but I may be underestimating you. Actually, I don't
think anybody will even play, but give it a shot. You might be the
only one, and in that case, you win!

I will post the correct answers and the winner(s) names on
Wednesday, June 1. That's all you win--your name in my blog.
Hoo hoo! (Homer Simpson laugh) How can you pass up such
an opportunity? You only have to name the movie, not any
characters or actors. To play, post your answers in the comments.

Now let's begin the contest. "Anybody? Anybody?" (OK, you
are already playing. That is Ben Stien as a history teacher in
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.)

1. "Let's face it girls...I'm older and I have more insurance."

2. "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again."

3. "I'm gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot!"

4. "Zip it, Old Man River, or I'll break your hip."

5. "Well, if that's what a beautician does, then I'll take mine rare."

6. "What are you doing with that blade?"
"I'm gonna kill you with it. Mmm..hmm."

7. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Is there anything you can do?"
"I can drive that loader over there."

8. "I can see your dirty-pillows."

9. "I shot off his upper lip."
"What were you aimin' at?"
"His lower lip."

10. "I thought you were dead."
"I get that a lot."

Interior decorate much? See #3 below.
Posted by Hello

Spreading the Redneck Heritage

Big Blogger Challenge #7

Big Blogger Rebecca has given us a new assignment. Since I
have been nominated AGAIN this week, I must go all out on
this challenge, which is to complete the following sentence:

"If I were Big Blogger, I would... first of all, put on cowboy
boots and a cowboy hat (and nothing else) and dance under
the light of the full moon, shooting a shotgun into the air and
hooting "I'm Big Blogger and you're not!" Then I would swear
to give preference to the women housemates, because we all
know it's a man's world outside the house. I would use my
Big Blogger power to spread my Redneck Culture to all parts
of the world.

I would issue weekly challenges to the housemates, requiring
them to:

1. Whistle "Dixie" while cookin' me up some vittles, including
but not limited to, a gourmet possum dish, moonshine, and a
Mississippi Mud Cake.

2. Smooth the wrinkles out of a bloodhound so he will look
more purtier.

3. Decorate the interior of my outhouse so I will feel at home,
and tell me what to use for toilet paper that ain't store-boughten.

4. Carve their own corncob pipe and grow their own tobaccy
(none of the wacky stuff allowed.) The first one to take a puff
wins this challenge.

5. Draw their family tree so I can shake it to find out if a
Grandpa-Dad or Uncle-Brother falls out.

6. Chase a rabbit in the middle of the night over at their (choose
one) boyfriend's/girlfriend's house (as seen on TLC TV.) The
one who does not fall down the sewer hole wins this one.

7. Listen to The Bellamy Brothers Greatest Hits for 24 hours
nonstop. The playlist consists of:

Let Your Love Flow
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me
You Ain't Just Whistlin' Dixie
Sugar Daddy
Dancin' Cowboys
Lovers Live Longer
Do You Love As Good As You Look
For All The Wrong Reasons
Get Into Reggae, Cowboy
Redneck Girl (and not the Gretchen Wilson version!)

What the housemates won't know is that they are all on
Double-Secret Probation for the entire contest. Anyone
who uses the phrases toga party, or mind if we dance wif yo'
dates, or fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life
will immediately be asked to leave the cyberhouse.

I will also ask each one what they will give me as a bribe
in order to win absolutely nothing. Because I can.

That concludes my Big Blogger fantasy.

What's this? Some empty space? Hubby needs to do some more decorating on this final wall of the Redneck bathroom!
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More of the Redneck bathroom.
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Another view of the Redneck bathroom, showing more of the toy--I mean Nascar collector cars.
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My Redneck bathroom. Rednecks and Nascar go together like....

Well, this picture has stayed here a little while. It was up last night,
then had disappeared by morning. My Hello wouldn't work last
night, so I had to copy and paste. That's how I posted it, but then
it disappeared. Don't know what's going on.

At my computer genius's suggestion (10-year-old son), I
deleted Hello that he had installed from a CD, and downloaded
the newest version. Nope, that didn't work.

I tried to copy and paste again, and it worked one time, then
disappeared when I logged off and went off line. (Someone let
me know if it shows about 10 pictures on their computer, because
I tried many times to post a picture.)

I then tried a system restore, and locked up in the middle of it.
Tried again with a different restore point, which completed the
system restore, but did nothing to help my problem.

I am using Mozilla, but couldn't bring myself to use IE.

So...as a last resort, after my little genius gave up, I disabled
McAfee. HALELUJAH! Hello worked like a charm. I guess
something went haywire yesterday when McAfee loaded the
latest update.

I had also been having trouble with getting into Blogger
comments and Haloscan on some sites, but not all of them.
My computer acted like it was blocking pop-ups.

I know this is kind of boring, but maybe it can help someone else
if they've been having trouble posting pictures.

My computer is on its last legs, so it might just be my system with
a problem. I am running Windows ME on an HP Pavilion that is
about 5 years old. I have something wrong with a rundll file that
makes me crash daily. I can't even listen to Media Player and be
on internet at the same time, or I lock up and crash. Something
with wuaboot shuts me down.

OK, now I think I am so smart because I got a picture on my
blog again. Watch it disappear later, and make a big ol' redneck
fool of me. I am going to try and post another picture, just to
show this thing who's boss! Wish me luck.
Posted by Hello

Unfinished Business

Well, after the last post on Hillbilly Landscaping, I had a couple
of comments pointing out that Rednecks don't finish anything.
That is very true. I don't know what got into Hubby while he
was working on our fish pond.

He has many unfinished projects that more than balance out this
finished one. Our Nascar Bathroom, for example. Oh, it looks
pretty good until you try to wash your hands. I guess Hubby
figured that a true Redneck never washes his hands after using
the Dale Earnhardt Memorial Toilet. Hubby went to great
lengths to decorate this basement bathroom. And it is kind of
appealing, in a Redneck sort of way. My cousin's wife made
the countertop with her airbrushing artist equipment. I don't
know how Hubby made the racecar handles on the cabinet
doors. He brought in all his Nascar paraphernalia and nailed
it to the walls. #1 son contributed a picture of surrealistic racing
cars that he did in Paint on his computer when he was 5 years
old. We had some tiles left from fixing up our old house that
Hubby used for a finish flag effect on the floor.

Even though the Nascar Bathroom appears to be completed,
it has no water to the sink. The toilet has water and actually
works, but not the sink. It has been this way for 3 years now.
If you want to wash your hands, you have to use Germ-X.
I do not know much about plumbing, but I don't think it is any
harder to connect a sink than a toilet, unless it has something
to do with the hot water.

Now, I will give Hubby credit, because he built most of this
house himself. We live in the middle of nowhere, and there
are no building codes. He did the wiring, the plumbing, the
ceramic and vinyl tile floors, the porch steps and railing, the
soffit on the front porch roof, the siding, the insulation, the
cabinets, and the garage. About the only things we hired out
were the basement, carpet, and drywall. One of his buddies
got a crew together and framed it in two days. And we didn't
even have to wait for him to get bailed out of jail like we did
when he worked on our old house.

The list of unfinished projects include: staining the doors and
baseboards, putting in a basement ceiling, making a hand rail
for the basement steps, building basement shelves for toys,
fixing the faucets in the kitchen, shower, and boys' bathtub
(because cold is hot and hot is cold), putting the bed and
front end back on his collector truck, and finishing the kitchen
in his barn apartment. That should keep him busy for the next
10 years.

Genius, our #1 cat, fishing in our hillbilly fish pond.
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Hillbilly Landscaping 101: The Fish Pond

My husband likes to decorate our yard. Most of the time it
turns out all right. The redneck fish pond is not one of his best
efforts. Oh, the area around the fishpond is OK. I'll even forgive
him for the little wrought-iron statue of Mr. and Mrs. Froggy
sitting on a park bench reading a book. I am not so fond of the
metal sunflower. But the real issue is the water in the fake pond.

We bought this molded plastic fake rock fish pond at Sam's Club,
the Wal*mart for city people. The drawing on the box made it
look attractive. The display in the store was cute. So Hubby
thought he could replicate it at home. Only we are rednecks, so
he didn't use the word replicate. I think he said, "That'll look
good by my deck." Because everything he talks about is his:
my house, my barn, my tractor, my sinkhole, my land, my creek.
I'm over that already.

The little area around the fish pond is kind of attractive. I would
rather have had all gravel instead of the wood chips, though.
Because we have 5 cats, and cats think the wood chips are some
exotic form of cat litter. And I heard from that Alan Smith on
KSDK Channel 5 news that wood chips attrack b-u-g-s, so
you should never put them around tree trunks. Huh! Then I
really didn't want them around my wooden support posts that
hold up my wooden deck that is part of my wooden wrap-around
porch to my cedar house. But Hubby didn't listen to my concerns
(how uncharacteristic of him!) and poured in the chips, not gravel.

For about a week the fish pond was fine. Then he started checking
the pH or something. I don't know why. He added chemicals like
chlorine and then something else because he put in too much
chlorine. And it went downhill from there. Our little pond grew
green scum. Then he dumped it and started over. He added some
Wal*mart goldfish. Because of an unfortunate chlorine accident,
they floated to the top and he had to buy more Wal*mart goldfish.
Then he had to buy a bunch of fish food, because the cats and dog
like to eat it, and knock it off the shelf and help themselves.

So the point (and I do have one) is that I do not like to look at
this nasty green water right off the deck from my kitchen door.
Hubby says it is just a little problem with the pump. He bought
another waterfall thingy for the pond, (against my advice), from
Lowes. So now we might get clear water, but the pond is gray
fake rock, and the waterfall is smooth black plastic.

As of tonight, the fish pond has been drained, and the fish are
in a plastic garbage can with the green water. I will post a new
picture when this project is completed.

Create a Jaffle: Big Blogger Challenge #6

First of all, you must be asking (the two of you who read me
regularly), what happened to Big Blogger Challenge #5? Oh,
I got a homework pass for that one, since I have been responding
to the other challenges.

Secondly, you say, "What is a Jaffle?" Well, I have never heard
of it either, coming from Redneckland where pickled pigs feet
are a delicacy. According to Big Blogger Rebecca, a Jaffle is
what we call a grilled-cheese sandwich. Now I don't know if
that is really what it is, or if she is just making a fool of my poor
redneck behind. For all I know, a Jaffle could be a snippy,
annoying little lapdog. But I hope not, because BB Rebecca
says she is going to cook the one with the most creative recipe.

Here are my recipes, though I don't know how creative they
are. At least they are something that can be eaten, and won't
leave an embarrassing puddle on your carpet.

Bread and Butter, of course, for the toasting part on all recipes,
and:

#1 "The Spice Grills"
PepperJack Cheese
Jalapeno Peppers
Salsa

#2 "The Yankee Griddle"
Crispy Fried Bacon
Scrambled Eggs
American (HooRah) Cheese

#3 "The Poor White Trash"
Velveeta Cheese
Ripened-on-the-vine Tomato Slices
(FYI, Rebecca, Velveeta is a pasteurized, processed, cheese
food. That is close enough to being cheese, isn't it?)

#4 "The Brilliant Invention of Hillbilly Mom"
Rye Bread (I love the international flavor of this one!)
Corned Beef
Swiss Cheese
Sauerkraut
French Dressing
(OK, so this is a Reuben Sandwich. Shhh...everybody....
Rebecca may not have heard of this before and will think
I am really creative.)

"Jaffle's the name. Stalking's my game. I'll be waaatchiiing you, Rebecca!"
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Let's roll that beautiful blackberry blossom footage. These berries run down both sides of the property line. So... these pictures were supposed to go with the Redneck Blackberry-field War, but I am too hillbilly to move them.
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Problem With My Blog

Testing, testing, testing, you old Redneck Blog!

OK, I think we fixed it. Last night about 12:30 a.m. I tried to
go back to my site and I got a bunch of html codes and no
blog. I was in desperate need of #1 son, who was spending
the night with Hillbilly Granny. I called him first thing this morning,
and he said, "Don't worry, we will get it fixed." Wish I was 10
again.

His idea was to try a new template, but that didn't work. Then
he saw the site feed thingamajig with the Atom.xml doohickey
at the end of it, and said, "Go there." After a look at that, he
told me, "It's something about your pictures. Delete those picture
posts." The first one did nothing, but deleting my second picture
of the blackberry field fixed it. Of course, I lost all my links, like
he had told me I would when I switched templates.

Sooo...we'll see if this works, or if he's just a 10-year-old kid
on a power trip. I have a few bugs to work out with the link
spacing, and I might switch templates again, but I'll be back

Redneck Blackberry-field Wars

This time of year I get annoyed with our neighbors. We have
some blackberries on our land that they feel are theirs. And
I don't want to share, even though I have no immediate plans
for the berries. It's the principal of the matter.

When we bought our 10 acres 16 years ago, we did not have
blackberries. The land next to ours did. The people who own
it live in Illinois, and never come down here. Oh, the first couple
of years they camped in a tent down by the creek once a year.
We have not seen them in at least 8 years. Since they were
never here during blackberry season, everyone who lived out
here stopped for a few berries if they wanted them. That was
fine, people stood on the gravel road and picked them.

Then the years passed, and the blackberries spread down the
fence row (or where the fence row would have been if there was
a fence. But there's not a fence, just orange paint on metal spikes
marking the property line). And since people do not like to get
all chewed up by the thorns, they don't wade into the blackberry
patch to pick, they walk down our nicely-mowed field. And even
that would not have bothered me (much) if they had just asked,
"Mind if we walk down your field and pick blackberries?"

The real issue now is that after 16 years, these blackberries
have grown over onto our side of the property line by about
4-5 feet. These really are our blackberries now. Neighbors,
you are welcome to wade into the weedy, thorny, snakey,
adjoining property and pick to your heart's content, but do
not traipse onto our property and pick the easy blackberries
that are rightfully ours.

I know, you all are thinking, "You are so petty, Hillbilly Mom!
Let the people have their blackberries!" But I can't help being
bitter when I see down-the-road neighbor's grandpa with a
big bucket walking in my field. He doesn't even live in this
town. He lives about 20 miles away. And then another day
I see across-the-road's daughter with a bucket, her 4-wheeler
parked in our field. And during turkey season, there went
across-the-road's son down the middle of our field with a
shotgun.

I haven't said anything, because I don't want to start a Hatfield
and McCoy hillbilly feud. I guess we could put up a fence, or
hop their fences to ride their horses when the mood strikes us.
Maybe that would get their attention. But I won't do anything
except stew silently and become Bitter Hillbilly Mom for a few
weeks. I jokingly told #1 son that he could patrol the area in
his $300 car like the guards patrol the boundaries of the state
prison a few miles from our house. He can rig up a speaker
for his walkie-talkie and announce: "Step away from the
blackberries! You are now on private property!" He is willing,
but I don't really want to bring him into my private battle.

So what would you do? I figure I'll just let them pick as usual.
They probably don't even know this is an issue for me. They
just assume, "Hey, free blackberries on somebody's abandoned
land. I'm gettin' me some."