Redneck Review

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

When I Think Back on All the Crap I Learned in High School...

Let's continue with yesterday's post of my public education, by way
of Mr. Paul Simon's "Kodachrome."

Here are a few things I learned in high school:

A chili bean can shoot out of your nose if you laugh hard enough
during lunch time.

A gerbil will not stay in the teacher's top desk drawer until you are
ready to surprise her, but will wander freely from drawer to drawer.

If you take Advanced Chemistry by way of independent study, you
can complete all 30 modules in the first 6 weeks, and have the rest
of the year to goof off while unsupervised.

The wooden chairs in studyhall are the best for popping your spine.

If the whole class says they forgot to read the assigned chapter in
the mythology book, the teacher will say, "Well, do it next time"
and turn on I Love Lucy reruns.

If you set a pencil on the edge of your desk and give it a good
karate chop, it will stick in the ceiling.

A superball will bounce from wall-to-wall about 40-eleven times
if you fling it just right.

Pay attention when somebody flings the superball.

Shorthand is kind of like a secret code.

Don't sit in the back row unless you want to be a volunteer to
work problems on the board in trigonometry.

Open lunch hour allows students to return to 5th hour classes
with a good buzz on.

When the coolest girl in school gets green hair from swimmng
in a chlorinated pool, nobody teases her.

A Japanese exchange student does not know that you should
put the shower curtain inside the tub.

OF means to multiply!!! As in, "20 percent of 500 is ______."

I before E except after C, or when sounded as A, like in
neighbor and weigh.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared.

If you use your track shoes to play drums on a teammate's
skull, that teammate will have to get a tetanus shot.

Pith balls are scientific paraphernalia, and not meant to be a
source of humor for 9th graders.

If you drop a chunk of potassium into water, it will explode.

I don't know if this is what I was supposed to learn, but it was
good enough to make me valedictorian.


  • At 9:03 AM, Blogger KarbonKountyMoos said…

    Wow - great post! I graduated from a Catholic High School in Queens & learned many of the same things. But not well enough to be valedictorian.

  • At 10:00 AM, Blogger Bert Ford said…

    In high school, my History teacher told me that drawing in my notebook when I was supposed to be taking notes would never get me anywhere. So, I started drawing on my desk, later, the wall next to my desk. After that in my notebook in detention hall on Saturdays, when I was supposed to be writing a punishment paper on History.
    Today, I'm a Graphic Artist.
    And, I love history.

    p.s. I spent 4 years with the nuns at Sacred Heart in Hattiesburg, MS.
    (back when they had nuns)

  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Ooh I think that soon I shall post something like this. I like it! And yeah, I realize I'm a copy-cat. Eh. If it doesn't bother you, doesn't bother me.

    We also had chairs good for popping backs. They were in the library.

    The Special Ed room always always had pencils sticking out of the ceiling. Either the teacher was just letting them be creative or else she was scared shitless of them. They were some pretty rough dudes.

  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    I shouldn't have mentioned that valedictorian part. Now some smartypants will point out all my spelling and punctuation errors.

    I would have fainted if my history teacher ever gave notes OR acknowledged my existence. He was a football coach, and our class time was used to critique the last game.

    Steal away. I won't chop you up and put you in a 55-gallon barrel. I have gotten ideas this week from Deadpanann and Alexandrialeigh. I will start on that stuff after tomorrow.

    How did you know I would be talking about special ed tomorrow? Now it will look like I am stealing your idea from the comment!

  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    I actually thought "Hmm, I must've inspired her!" when I read the first paragraph about LD kids. Then I realized that you were just giving us an intro. Nicely done, btw.

    I wish that when I was in school the LD kids would've been a random cross-sampling of students. Alas, that is where the principal stuck all of the trouble-makers. If they started causing excessive amounts of trouble, suddenly they disappeared from class and reappeared in the "dungeon". These kids were stuck back in a room with no windows and they didn't change classes when the bell rang like the rest of us. It was like they were just being hidden away. I always felt sorry for them. Even while I was scared of them.

  • At 9:31 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Hmm...we don't do that here. They have to be tested and qualify to get in. Some of them WANT to be in LD. They have a 50% scale for passing instead of 60%. At that school they also had a BD (behavior disorder) classroom. Those kids were in more trouble than the "average" kids. I had the whole batch of them in one class period, with regular kids mixed in. Ah...mainstreaming. I only had trouble with one of them. I sat him in the hall by my back door, and he heard the same lesson as everyone else--he just couldn't feed off all the attention he craved. Many schools don't want you to put kids in the hall, but I figure the education of 25 kids takes precedence over the education of one.


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