Redneck Review

Thursday, August 04, 2005

No Joy in Hooterville

Wednesday morning got a cranky start at the Hillbilly Mansion.
Hillbilly Husband was around, planning to go to work late after
going to a doctor's appointment with me. The boys were cranky
due to getting up early. HH hurt their feelings by criticizing their
"bed heads." HH, make a "note to self." If you have to leave in
5 minutes, it doesn't help to complain about the boy young'uns'
messy hair while Hillbilly Mom is wetting it down.

I don't know why I was surprised. Redneck men are not exactly
noted for their sensitivity. Oh, they are the best at chuckin' possums
down sinkholes, picking ticks off the pets, unclogging toilets,
brush-hogging the yard, killing spiders with their bare hands,
programming the thermostat, eating an entire pot roast out of
the vegetable soup, cleaning calcium deposits out of the water
heater, and replacing burnt-out light bulbs. But not at noticing
the feelings of others. Like the time he said I was like an elephant.
What he meant to say (according to him) was that I never forget
anything. Or the time he said, "I like that skirt. It's like a tent."
Oh, he meant that the material reminded him of a circus.

Now, we would not have had this hair issue if he had taken the
boys for haircuts a month ago when I said they needed one.
Oh, HH has gotten a haircut since then, but he wouldn't take
them. HH has clippers. He used to give the boys their summer
shave-head haircut. It really looked pretty good. The boys get
whiny when HH says, "Get the clippers. I'll give you a haircut."

Well, they do have a reason. He cut #1 son's ear one time.
You would have thought he cut the whole ear off of the little
Van Gogh, the way that boy screamed. Now he uses it in
every argument. "Remember the time you almost cut my ear
off, DAD?" It doesn't help that HH won't ever admit to any
wrong-doing. The closest we get is "Well, if I cut your ear,
then I guess I'm sorry." Not exactly a glowing apology.

Last summer HH was getting ready to cut #2's hair. We
didn't think he had been as traumatized as #1. #2 took off
his shirt and went out on the back porch. "Go get a towel,"
I told him. He came back, draping it around his shoulders.
"This is to catch the blood," he explained solemnly. We got
a good heehaw out of that one, but then wouldn't you know it
--HH nicked his ear, too. Talk about a premonition.


  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    I get very frustrated with redneck men and their lack of sensitivity. If I can only preserve the sweetness and compassion my son has now, then maybe there will be at least one less redneck woman out there someday, crying as her husband dumps his full plate and makes a ham sandwich then wonders why she's crying and loading the shotgun and aiming it at him.

  • At 4:50 PM, Blogger Bert Ford said…

    Redneck Diva,
    Enjoy your son’s sweetness while it lasts.
    Somewhere around puberty his complex emotions will begin to fade away. By the time he’s 16, he won’t even remember them.
    The strongest things he will feel will be “Hungry” and “Sleepy”. This will cause him trouble with women for the rest of his life. He will try to “Feel” things, but his capacity do so will be gone.
    He will learn to pretend that he has these “Feelings” and he may even fool himself into thinking he does. But, he doesn’t. And, don’t fault him for the “Pretending” he does it without thinking, and if he didn’t, the species would die out in a generation.
    The best a woman can do is keep him well fed, and well rested and hope for the best.


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