Redneck Review

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Hillbilly Mom Is...

I took this from Redneck Diva, who took it from aka Monty, who
saw it at True Jersey Girl and J&Js Mom, who chased the cat that
worried the rat that lived in the house that Jack built. Oh, I had a
flashback moment. I also saw that Stacy had a post on this Friday.
Come on, join us. All you have to do is Google "(your name) is"
and see where it takes you. I used my real (real common) first name,
but here I will say "Hillbilly Mom."

Hillbilly Mom is... evil and must be...locked away in the attic, with a
bucket of fish heads provided daily at 10:00, 2:00, and 4:00.


Hillbilly Mom is...a for-real contemporary multi-tasker. She can
go shopping for the bacon, bring home the bacon, fry it up in the
pan, and throw it out to the dog. If she's not busy makin' the bacon.


Hillbilly Mom is...clipping her toenails and the noise bothers Buffy.
Well excuuuuuuuuse ME! At least I don't bite them like you, Buffy.

Hillbilly Mom is...forced to stop taking night classes. Man! You clip
a few toenails in class, and they give you the boot!


Hillbilly Mom is ...recording Lina's singing and dialogue at night
so that Lina won't...find out that HM knows nothing about recording
singing and dialogue, since they kicked her out of
night school.

Hillbilly Mom is ...a favorite guest on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
You'll never guess who I really am!

Hillbilly Mom is ...so caring and loving, and finds joy in everything
around her. Yeah, right!

Hillbilly Mom is ...my best friend and the one who makes me take
time to stop and smell the roses. And after she shoves my face into
the thorny rose bush and says "Get a whiff of
that!" she says she'll
be back in 20 minutes and runs into the house to help my husband
with his special purpose.


Hillbilly Mom is ...often asked, "How do you..." find such a bad
haircutter and such unstylish clothes.

Hillbilly Mom is ...now staying at a motel and has hardly any money
to pay for it. But I will after Lina pays me for recording.

Hillbilly Mom is ...manipulative, and Anna is ripe for manipulation.
Don't ask. Don't tell.

Hillbilly Mom is ...traveling by limo, taxi, and public transportation.
On a strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. I'll tell Rochelle
y'all said "Hey."


Hillbilly Mom is ...not certain she wants to continue working for
Scotland Yard. What with all her travels and Tonight Show
appearances.


Hillbilly Mom is ...full of juicy tidbits. But lets keep them in
there.
DO NOT slice open HM to eat the juicy tidbits!

Hillbilly Mom is ...slowly rebuilding our breed. And that there
tells you the sad state of our breed.

Hillbilly Mom is ...unmasked. Oh no you di unt! You may think
you know, but you have no idea of all that I've masked.


Hillbilly Mom is ...such a psychopath...that she is on a first-name
basis with the 55-gallon barrel killer and is allowed to call him
"Fitty."

Hillbilly Mom is ...able to save approximately $7 a week. How do ya
like
them apples, free-cheese eaters! Count 'em and weep! SEVEN
dollars a week!


Hillbilly Mom is ...the kind of prim woman who knows about "the
horror movie" stuff involved in living in the real world. So listen up
when she advises you to "Keep your mouth closed while scrubbing
the toilet."

Hillbilly Mom is ...a great artist, but why make a fan club about her.
Who cares, really, if she lives or dies, because her art will be worth
more if we knock her off.


Hillbilly Mom is ...to remain unlocked at all times. But still don't cut
her open to eat the juicy tidbits.


Hillbilly Mom is ...dressed to the nines in a terry Velcro towel wrap.
Hey, aren't you?

Hillbilly Mom is ...off pouting. Because other people are stylin' in
the terry
Velcro towel wrap.

Hillbilly Mom is ...all mouth and not much depth beyond her constant
obsessing that...she really does have a deep mouth and she is all that
and a bag of pork rinds.

Hillbilly Mom is ...widely known as a very nice person who thinks
"ego" means waffles...because she is so stupid she doesn't know
singular from plural.


Hillbilly Mom is ...currently on medical leave, and her employer is
holding her...tightly around the throat until the job is done, and he
can tell everyone that she just "went away for a little while" and

"hey, y'all might as well call me 'Fitty'."


Hillbilly Mom is ...trying to clean her ruined sweater...because she
saw that on an episode of ER a couple years ago and Jing-Mei told

everyone it was club soda, but Susan and Abby used a Woods' lamp
and figured out that it
was really Greg Pratt's man-juice.

Hillbilly Mom is ...able to understand 80% of speech and is able to...
ignore it at will.

Hillbilly Mom is ...there to perform with a bunch of other chorus girls.
Though "perform" and "chorus girls" seem to be euphemisms for a
much seedier agenda.


Hillbilly Mom is ...an ID forger and a police informant who has more
than a few screws loose. Even though people have said she used to be
tightly screwed, until this police fiasco occurred, and she became totally
screwed.

Hillbilly Mom is ...clearly in love with Tommy, who seems to be a
troubled boy...ever since his 6th grade teacher, that sweet Mrs.
Letourneau, moved away.


Hillbilly Mom is ...ironing her jeans and listening...to the tiny voices
in her head asking "What kind of a moron irons jeans?"

Hillbilly Mom is ...an avid woodworker, and has built the chairs
everyone is sitting on...so be prepared to hit the floor faster than
Sheriff Hogg went a-swimmin' when Bubba hit the lever on the

dunk tank at the 4th of July picnic last summer.


Hillbilly Mom is ...not allowed to leave the Hoot and Holler and
meet Mike. Which doesn't matter to her, because she has only begun
to hoot and holler, and that Mike is a big sissy mama's
boy and
he's not that pretty and he's not that special.


Hillbilly Mom is ...on the floor crying now...because all that hootin'
and hollerin' has given her a headache.

Hillbilly Mom is ...still undecided on which team she is joining.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Hillbilly Mom is ...scheduled for surgery on 4/24...to remove
her foot from her mouth and the stick from her butt.

Hillbilly Mom is ...found dancing to 'Never Let Me Go" by Judy
Bridgewater in a classroom one...dark and stormy night, but they
told me it was all about the toenails, not the dancing, and that
pole and those laps were ripe for the pickin'.

The Saturday "What Would Rednecks Do?" will be on Sunday.

6 Comments:

  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    ROFLMAO

    I literally woke Mr. Diva up with the hysterical laughing as I read this. I mean, like tears streaming down my face, holding my stomach, bent over hysterical laughing.

    That's good stuff, Hillbilly Mom. Good stuff.

    Fitty...BWAH!!!

     
  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Thanks for the idea! I had a good heehaw myself as I was reading my Google.

     
  • At 11:29 PM, Blogger Rachy said…

    one of my friends did that last week and I thought it was hilarious, the first one that came up for me was "Rachel is always, always, always right"

    Suits me fine :-)

     
  • At 8:37 AM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Rachy, at least you're always, always, always right and not just "conscious" like it said I am! Geez.

    HM, still giggling over Fitty. I told my mom how it's this hilarious running joke out here amongst my "posse" now and she got all huffy and said, "Well fine. Y'all just make fun of your ol' momma, but when you find yourself on the inside of that barrel someday you'll know that I was right!"

     
  • At 10:48 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Rachy,
    Right on, girl. It guarantees you to win every argument.

    Diva,
    One of mine said...is supposed to be living. (!) I guess I'm not even conscious, and I must not be doing to good about the living part either, since I am "supposed to be" living.

     
  • At 12:23 AM, Blogger Rachy said…

    supposed to be living? Hilarious... I can just imagine the following

    "So, Redneck Diva, are you alive?"

    "Uh, I think so... how do I check?"

     

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