Redneck Review

Monday, August 29, 2005

Another Day in Paradise

We are back into the school routine. I know, because I am busy
answering questions.

How do you change Kelvin to Celcius? Subtract 273.

How do you make a graph? Time on the x-axis, temp. on the y-axis,
label the graph and each axis.

Why won't your computer open my report on this disk? Hmm...that's
a mystery of the universe. Could be because you didn't save in RTF,
but in Word 6.0, which we don't have, and we can't get the dialogue
box to select "All files."

Why can't I breathe? My chest has hurt since I sat on top of my
brother's girlfriend's car and she hit the gas and I fell over and hit
my back on the spoiler. Uh...you just answered your own question.

What are SI units? That's a French term, abbreviated, for scientific unit.

Can you help me with these 15 questions for Dating & Marriage?
Well, I can, but then wouldn't that be me doing your homework?

Can you tell him to sit somewhere else? No. He has as much right
to sit there as you. And you are more annoying than him, anyway.

Why are all these wrong? Let's see...math answers with no work
shown. Last year she caught you writing in answers as she read
them off. Why do you think?

Can you get some hunting magazines for us to read? Sure, because
at least you will be reading.

Can I use your calculator? Green or purple?

Do you have a stapler? Uh, yeah. I'm a teacher. They tend to provide
me with things like that.

What is loess? Fine-grained, windblown sediment.

Can I get a drink? Yes. You came in, finished your work, brought it
to me to check, and didn't have to be told.

Can you read some more from "Freak the Mighty?" Certainly. Fine
literature soothes the savage middle school beast.

Why isn't "exclamination" in the dictionary? Oh, I don't know, maybe
because IT'S NOT A WORD? Or maybe it's what the doctor does
when a mollusk feels all cold and sweaty.

Do teachers ever have to do any work? Nope. We are here purely
for your entertainment pleasure.

Isn't a tangent one of those things kind of like an orange? No. It's
one of those things kind of like my last nerve fraying when you
ask these cutesy questions.

My nose is bleeding. Go to the bathroom. Will I get a tardy?
No. Leaking body fluids take precedence over hallway etiquette.

What gets ink out of shorts? Yo Mama.

Can I get a drink? No. All you brought to class was a dismantled
ink pen, and you sat on the floor, and took off your shoes. No
drink for you!

What is 3 times 8? A clue that it's time to learn your multiplication
tables that you should have learned in 4th grade.

Can I use her calculator? Absolutely not. Calculators are not
permitted in middle school.

How long do we have left in here? Too long for both of us.

I just missed my bus...what should I do? Uh...close your eyes and
click your heels?

Did bus 5 leave yet? Are you sure? Yes and yes. I have duty. I can
not leave until the last bus is gone. I am positive. Why didn't you
get on? We have 3 duty teachers. Why were you alone in a class
using the computer? Did you think someone would come to notify
you personally, so you didn't have to wait in the gym with the rest
of second round? Are you related to that chick over there clicking
her heels? She missed first round due to lollygagging in the hall.

This was an easy day. I really did answer some actual questions,
with actual answers and not smart-alecky ones.

6 Comments:

  • At 11:33 AM, Blogger jules said…

    LMAO! One of my best friends is a high school teacher. I sent this to her and her reply, "These are superb." Rock on teachers of the world!

     
  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger jules said…

    jewelsrule.tblog.com

     
  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Oh my gosh, these are funny.

    I especially like where the kid asks you if he can use your calculator and you answer with a choice of colors, but later on when a kid asks if he can use her calculator you say no, they aren't allowed. That one cracked me up for some reason.

    You rule the school.

     
  • At 12:11 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Jewels,
    How nice of other people to laugh at the trainwreck that is my life.

    Diva,
    The first kid to ask for the calculator was a HS student. They are allowed to use them.

    The second kid was a 6th grader. They treat me like a substitute. You know, in 5th grade they have one teacher who does everything but burp them, then in 6th they have a reading/language teacher, a ss/science teacher, and a math teacher. I guess they think because they just have me once a day, anything goes. Same with the ink/shoe removing kid. Foolish children! I cut my teaching teeth on delinquents much scarier than them!! Beware, children...you have not yet seen my teeth!!! Bwah ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!

     
  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger deadpanann said…

    HBMom--

    I'm glad to hear you cut your teeth on scary children. My teeth are not the only thing I'm worried may be cut...more on that later.

     
  • At 8:13 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Miss Ann,
    I've been hit, but not cut. I am only EMOTIONALLY scarred!

     

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