Redneck Review

Friday, October 21, 2005

I See Slow People

I have issues with slow people. Not mentally slow. They can't help it.
I mean people who waste time. MY time.

I went to a different Walmart today, to pick up a prison suit for my
#1 son's Halloween costume. I wasn't embarrassed or hiding his
identity or anything--it was the Walmart in the town where I had
my doctor's appointment. #1 son wasn't going to dress up this year,
but his school is having a sock hop party, and he has to go in costume.
Yeah, that'll make the girls come a-runnin'. A zebra-striped convict
uniform. O Boyfriend, Where Art Thou? We had a discussion at
the school lunch table a couple years ago about how any man can get
a woman. In prison awaiting the death sentence for killing your
three wives? There's a woman out there just dying to marry you.

I went to a regular checkout line, because I refuse to scan my own
Walmart merchandise. That self-checkout took away a person's
job! I might have gone through the 20-items-or-less line, but I had
about 19-21 items, and was too lazy to count. Big mistake. I picked
the lane presided over by Methuselah's anemic great-grandma.

I had time to peruse the last-minute-junk-food shelves. I resisted
for a while, but my innards started to rumble. Yep. One innard flicks
the other innard on the ear, and he responds by giving the first
innard a titty-twister. Next thing I know, they're flailing around on
the floor. Innard One has a stapler that is opened, leaving a zipper
track down Innard Two's spine. Innard Two retaliates by biting
Innard One in the "private area." Oh, wait a minute...that was a fight
that we had at school a few years back. My gut was just growling.

What did I choose from the junk food shelf? Is chocolate my dark
master? No, that would be the portly fellow, George, on Seinfeld.
A Slim Jim, perhaps? Nope. I don't like the way that guy said,
"Eat me!" in their commercials. I succumbed to the temptation of
the pork rinds. What's that you say? Yes, I am aware that they are
deep-fried pig skins. And the problem with that would be...? Did
you forget, I am Hillbilly Mom? I am no stranger to the pork rind.

Several years ago, we had a whole lunch shift consumed with the
low-carb trend. You never saw so many people eating pork rinds
and cheese and ranch dressing and sugar-free Jello. It was bad
enough when one would snatch a soda out of another's hand and
scream, "What are you doing? That's a real soda! I just save you
from drinking one million billion carbs!" I knew the end of the world
was coming when one told the others how to make pork rind pancakes.
Yes, there is the edge of insanity, and then there is the abyss. That is
just wrong, people. Do not make pork rind pancakes. Get off the
Atkins, and eat some fruits and vegetables. Snap out of it!

I consumed my porcine epidermis snack as I continued on my errands.
Next, I stopped to fill the belly of my SUV beast. $2.48 per gallon
for super unleaded, people. Read it and weep. Of course, the pump
I pulled in to had a plastic bag over the handle. The regular unleaded
was $2.52 per gallon. Go figure. I refused to buy it, and waited for
the guy ahead of me to finish and pay so I could use his pump.
Another error in judgement.

Goober went in to pay, and I would say it took him 10 minutes. Did
he buy Milwaukee's Best, or Powerball tickets, or Skoal...something
worthwhile? Let me answer for you: "NO!" He stood around talking to
the cashier. They must have been reminiscing about the Molasses-
Chugging Festival last January. I think Goober's beard grew two
inches while I waited. Bad enough to not wait and pay $50.60 for
half a tank of gas.

I was in a hurry to get to Sonic before 5:00. You know what happens
at 5:00, don't you? Happy Hour ends, and drinks are full price again.
I made it with 4 minutes to spare. I had to have my fix of Cherry Diet
Coke. Cheap. And though I was 5-deep in the drive-thru lane, the
little Sonic girl came running out to me with my beverages. Ya
gotta love the Sonic. It's not for slow people.


  • At 12:03 AM, Blogger Dave in Ardmore said…

    I concur on the self checkout. Once my daughter and I were standing in line about 5 deep and one of the WM employees walked up and said the self checkout was open, to which I replied:
    "If I wanted a job at Wal-mart I would fill out an application!" Next thing I know I see my daughter heading for the door. When we got on the car I asked her what the problem was and she replied:"Daddy you embarass me all the time" to which I replied: " That is why I had kids..."

  • At 12:43 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    I tell my kids I had them to bring me the remote and the phone.

    They think I'm kidding.

  • At 9:57 AM, Blogger jules said…

    Wow, did you chase many rabbits in this post? Loved it though, don't get the shotgun out HM! Our Wally World has its own inbreeding program to supply its store with workers. They're only one step above the self-checkout...which I despise using! (I agree with Dave..if I wanted to work there I'd fill out an application)

  • At 12:15 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    I used the self checkout once when I was in an enormous hurry. It was the biggest mistake. The universe balances itself. It took AT LEAST 10 minutes longer that the regular checkout would have taken. I learned my lesson and have don't use them anymore.

    Ah, Sonic. My daughters girl scout troupe is working at our local Sonic to raise $ for Make a Difference Day. The local paper interviewed them about it. When asked why they were doing it-she eloquently replied "We get to serve people yummy food, we get to eat yummy food AND we get to help someone while we're doing it. HECK YEAH!"
    That's my girl.

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Can you say "tangent?" I never go know where the blog will take me. Don't worry, if I got out the shotgun, I would forget who I was chasing with it.

    Never go to Walmart when you're in a hurry. If you have time to kill, you'll find everything in the first place you look. That's how the universe stays balanced. Sonic and helping people...what more could anyone ask for?


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