Redneck Review

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Do-Not Village

I told my teaching buddy, Mabel, that I was going to put a sign over
my classroom door. "Do-Not Village." That is because the students
DO NOT do anything. Well, that's not quite true. They do a lot of
squabbling, farting, talking, excuse-making, forgetting, annoying,
borrowing, whining, wasting, and opinion-spouting. But they DO NOT
do anything like hmmm...let's see...errrr...HOMEWORK!!!

DO NOT get me wrong. I like these kids. They are the kind I prefer
to "teach," not the preppy smart kids. I like them just fine if I am not
responsible for making them pass. But I have issues with some of
their behaviors. Once I've had them a couple of years, they get broken
in quite nicely. It's mostly the new ones who give me fits. They are
not bad, evil kids. They have not adapted to the ways of Hillbilly Mom.

I am particular about my stuff. I like things a certain way. They are
not picking up the cues. So here is a list of my peeves:


DO NOT...tell me your paper is in your locker, at home, already
turned in, in your other purse/pants, on your kitchen table, in another
book, in the dog's stomach, in the trash because your mom threw it
away, being copied by another student, not necessary because you
have a homework pass, too late to do now because the teacher
doesn't take late work, on your computer but your printer broke/
ran out of ink. I have heard it ALL before. I am not as stupid as
you'd like me to be.

DO NOT...come to class without pencil and/or paper. This is freakin'
SCHOOL! You might need those things occasionally. Like for doing
WORK. For which you get credit. Credits which add up so you can
GRADUATE. I have to buy these things that I am giving you so you
don't have an excuse for not doing work. I am Mrs.Hillbilly Mom,

DO NOT...wad up 5 tissues to blow your nose. One will be sufficient.
I also pay for the Puffs With Aloe. And especially do not toss them into
the air and snatch them like you are a world-class juggler. They are tissues.
Not toys. And do not complain if your glasses get smeared. Read the box.
They have l-o-t-i-o-n, people. That will leave a film on your glasses. We
also have paper towels in the closet. Use them. If you continue to abuse
the tissues, I will not buy anymore, and will force you to use a roll of the
school toilet paper, which is nigh to see-through in quality.

DO NOT...use the GermX for hair gel. You will go up in flames when
you light a cigarette later. And while we're at it, do not use the GermX
at all unless you get ink on your hands or you have just blown your nose
or coughed. Not to smell the fragrance, not to say "Ooo, it makes my
my hands so smoooooth," not as an excuse to get out of your seat, and
not because " GermX!" I buy the GermX so I can clean off
your viruses after you come up to my desk hacking and sneezing and
touching my stapler and tape and eraser and calculators.

DO NOT...look at me like I am speaking Swahili after I explain where
to find an answer, give you three examples from real life, give up and
flat-out tell you the answer, and refrain from smacking you when you
ask, "But what do I put?" I am here to help you. Not do-it-for-you. Pay
attention, or don't bother to ask. Other people can make better use of
my time.

DO NOT...ask me how old you have to be to drop out. I am not going
to beg you to stay. It's like the skinny girl saying, "Oh...I'm so fat." She
just does it so others will give her attention by saying, "No, you're thin."
You have flat-out told me you're dropping out. Don't expect me to waste
time helping you if others need me. If you really want the help, then shut
up about your dropping-out fantasy. My time is valuable, believe it or not.
I have a better success rate helping people who want the help instead of
those who are fighting it.

DO NOT...brag about how much school you missed last year, or how
you started a food fight, or how nobody in your family ever graduated,
or how much you drank over the weekend, or how you're going to
kick somebody's a$$, or how you're planning a big party while your
parents are gone, or 'let it slip' that you smoke. What do you think I'm
going to say, "You're so cool?"
No. I'm not. That stuff isn't cool. Tell
somebody who'll be impressed.
Do not bring that attitude into my
classroom. I want to say, "You don't have to be such a loser."
But I won't.

Those are just the major DO NOTS. I'll do some minor ones later in
the year, when they are getting on my last nerve.


  • At 3:29 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    HI Hillbilly Mom,
    It sounds like Beclakia has it's first village. I take it you are Mayor?

  • At 4:58 AM, Blogger Misha said…

    You have to admit, those were pretty funny though. I'd probably snap if I saw some kid taking more than a couple of those tissues too. That stuff ain't cheap!

    I'm probably guilty of many of those things you mentioned, but I did grow out of it eventually. I don't know if that helps at all...

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger Bluejinx said…

    Delurking long enough to laugh about the "speaking Swahili". I thought I was the only one who did that!! Do kids have a filter in their ears or something that makes perfect English turn into gibberish for them?

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger Chickadee said…

    Good grief it sounds like you have your hands full! Please tell me kids really don't use Germ-X as hair gel. Gross.

  • At 3:28 PM, Blogger Dirk said…

    Sooo..., apart from that, teaching is fun, huh?

  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    That's right. I am the mayor of Do-Not Village. I take my duties very seriously. You can hear me all over town saying DO NOT _________. Insert your own vice here.

    I guess that makes you a recovering Do-Not. I'm glad to see there's hope for my students. I hope you don't have a farting problem. That one really gets on my last nerve. Like the kid who walked up to sharpen his pencil but had to stop for a minute right by my desk. He did it to another kid and justified it by saying, "Well, you wouldn't leave me alone." And I asked him, "What are you, like a squid or a skunk? You emit that foul stuff when you are threatened?" The kids kind of like that fart humor, you know.

    Glad you have delurked. Apparently we speak the same language. Sometimes after a particularly detailed explanation, while I am mentally patting myself on the back, the kid will say, "Your cheeks are really red. Did you know that?"

    That was a 10th grade Lothario using the GermX gel. Seems he had been doing it for two or three days before I caught him in the act. I have to stand in the hall between classes, you know. The perfect opportunity for styling your hair with a hand sanitizer.

    It really is fun. I took several years off from it, and enjoy it much more now that I've gone back. I get a laugh every day, even when they piss me off.

  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger Brian said…

    Is it a great job or what?

    You've gotta love those homework excuses. I should've written them down over the years. I 'd have a book just from that.

  • At 11:32 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Great job, I agree. You can't beat it (or the kids) with a stick!

  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger Penny Halston said…

    Hi. Found you in Brian's review. I can't believe some things NEVER change. I teach grade 1 and I can't believe 10 years later the little stinkers are still FARTING!!! And wasting tissues. And I thought once they got to high school they stopped saying Mommy forgot to put it in my backback. And looking at you like you speak another language! I was considering teaching upper grades for a change...looking for intelligent life forms, hmm maybe not.

  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Students are like men. In the immortal words of my Hillbilly Mama, the day before my wedding: "Honey, they're all alike."

  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger Greek Shadow said…

    I've tell my students that "I the Lord your teacher am a jealous teacher and will have no other classes before me. So put your math and English books away!"
    Another one is "Thou shalt not tune thy teacher out!" (get rid of the headphones)
    When they start using bad language I remind them my classroom isn't a locker room. Or a bedroom if they want to put their heads down and try to sleep.

  • At 10:45 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Greek Shadow,
    I like your commandments. I would be happy if they brought their math and English books, since I teach At-Risk kids, and it is my job to see that they pass. They carry these gigantic book bags, but their books are always in their lockers. Go figure!

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger MrsCoach2U said…

    I printed out the Do-Nots for Mr. Coach, he added:
    Do not show Mr.Coach your tattoo, you are too young and it's not on an appropriate part of your body (he teaches 8th graders!)

    Do not ask to borrow money for ice cream, I just asked a kid for loose change for my own ice cream and I don't share.

    DO NOT ask to take Mr. Coachs daughter to prom, she's 5!

  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Mrs. Coach,
    I had a new Do-Not today. Do not shoot spitwads and then refuse to pick them up when your "friends" rat you out.


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