Redneck Review

Friday, October 14, 2005

Loose Ends

I have a few loose ends to tie up this week. I'd like you to think I'm
gonna wrap 'em up real purty and tie 'em with a big red bow, but let
me warn you now, I've been known to wrap Christmas presents in
wallpaper. Hey, it was cheap. I used to work in an insurance salvage
store, and you can't get much cheaper than "free." Or much cheaper
than "me."

Well, OK, maybe you can, because I just thought of this friend we
used to have when my Future Hillbilly Husband and I lived in separate
apartments together. This friend lived in FHH's building. They were
all a little strange over there, what with FHH shooting his boy's pellet
gun up through the ceiling into his neighbor's apartment, and that 40
year old man and his wife who worked at a children's home 7 days
on and 7 days off who liked to wear a SPEEDO in the pool, which
was I must say a kind of anatomy lesson for the little girl whose parents
also lived in that building with their 1970s model Oldsmobile with a
peeling vinyl top that the carwash peeled all the way off and they were
going to sue the carwash. And I haven't even mentioned the insurance
adjuster who was almost my boyfriend who spent the day not doing
his adjusting and latched onto an 18 year old girlfriend who was still
in high school which is in my opinion just oh, so wrong because she's
a KID, you fool, and why would her parents approve of her dating
a 30-something man, and all he had to say for himself was "Her skin
is so sooooft," to which FHH replied, "Yeah, BABY soft." But I digress.

The cheap friend lived with his wife, who was so sweet you could go
into a diabetic coma just talking to her (and if diabetic coma means
you don't get enough sugar, I am sorry, because I don't have time to
look up my medical facts what with all this digressing and run-on
sentences). They had cute little accents, him hailing from Dolly Partonland,
and her growing up in Bill Clintonland. So one night we planned a night
on the town chock full of supper and bowling, FHH and me and Cheapy
and the Sweet Little Woman. Our first clue that something was amiss was
when, on the way to the restaurant, Cheapy said, "FHH, could you drive
through that ATM? I don't have any money with me." So we did, and
Cheapy told SLW to put the card in and "Take out $20, Baby, because
you have to eat lunch out at school this week." ????? Since when did $20
buy supper and bowling and a week of lunches at the junior college nursing
program? I am not THAT old.

So we had supper and hightailed it to the bowling alley, where FHH
ordered up a pitcher of beer. He asked Cheapy if he was having any,
and he said, "No, I don't think I will tonight." When we visited Cheapy's
apartment, there was no shortage of THE BOOZE, so I though maybe
he had a big day tomorrow, or was a little under the weather. We bowled
and gossiped, and FHH saw some friends on the next lane because he
knows everybody in two counties. The friends got ready to leave, and
they had a half-full pitcher of beer left (or as I would say, half-empty,
because that's the kind of gal I am). The friends said, "Hey, do you want
that beer? We are leaving and don't want it." And before FHH could say
yes or no or thank you very much, Cheapy bellowed, "Baby, go get me a
glass." So he had turned us down because he was afraid FHH would
expect him to buy the next pitcher, I guess. Which is my point. He was
cheaper than me.

Now, getting back to the loose ends (I swear, I just never know where
this blog will take me when I sit down with no idea what I'm going to
write about) I must first mention the Bad Boy who shot two people last
Sunday, but more importantly, caused our school buildings to be on
lockdown all week (because it IS all about ME, you know, and this
was kind of inconvenient for me). He has not been caught, but we will
not be on lockdown next week. Which I guess is bad news and good

Next, I have gotten through to a few of my Do-Nots, because they
came in with work to do and actually did it today. Yeah, 1st quarter
ends next Wednesday, so it's too little too late right now, but maybe
they can salvage their semester grades if they buckle down and stick
with it.

We are not rushing the paperwork to buy back our rightful land from
the Land-Stealer, since he is intent on throwing that Halloween party
on it. He did haul all the cedar logs onto his land 50 feet away. He
also has a big horse trailer parked there. #1 son exclaimed, "Oh, great!
He can't afford to pay for the land, but he can put air conditioning in
his horse trailer!" Uh...Son...I think he borrowed the horse trailer, since
we haven't seen it parked over there. In fact, I think he might be hauling
the cedar logs in it.

And in more important news, the Sonic guy I am having my fling with
gave me a great discount today. I ordered my usual poison, a large
Sonic Cherry Diet Coke, and the voice told me, "That will be one o
eight." It was happy hour, half-price time. I drove to the window, and
there was my man. He looked at me, looked at my money, and said,
"Just a minute." He punched something into the register, and said, "I
didn't know it was you. Forget about it." WooHoo! Nothing's better
than a Sonic Cherry Diet Coke unless it is a FREE Sonic Cherry Diet
Coke from the Sonic Hillbilly Mom Admirer! Seriously, I think he
knows a student from our school who is in my friend Mabel's class.
Anyhoooo...I loves me my FREE Sonic Cherry Diet Coke!


  • At 11:23 PM, Blogger Dave in Ardmore said…

    Way to tie up those loose ends. Thanks for the info on the mine. I am looking at some aerial photos of the area and some satellite images as well. The geek in me has taken over and I am going to see if I can find any lead using various color guns while rectifying the images. Told ya' the geek is coming out.......Thanks again!

  • At 11:30 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Great googly moogly! I've given you a gold mine in that lead mine! I've seen the geek leaking out of my son when he's onto a big discovery. At least it's not toxic.

  • At 9:26 AM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    OH MY GOSH. "I didn't know it was you"?????? This boy must loves you tremendously !!

    Yesterday when TaterSis and I went to Sonic and I gave the hop a dollar tip he said, "Why, just bless your little heart!" in the most gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) voice I've ever heard. Why does my Sonic get the gay guys and you get cute free-soda-givin' guys!? So not fair!

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    My teaching friend Mabel has a student who works at Sonic. She says this guy it the assistant manager. He is 19, and is getting married. Hope I don't wreck that future home! Ha! He's just a nice guy, and I'm having a little fun with it. I think he is too. Mabel's student must have said something to him, and he's playing along.

    For the record, yesterday he charged me $1.50 instead of the usual $1.83, and when I got to the window, he had made the soda and the ice Route 44 instead of large! WooHoo! That's my man!

  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger MrsCoach2U said…

    An 18 year old I've known since he was a baby told him mother "she's kinda hot for an old chick".. I'm sure he meant in a nice way but he could have left the OLD part out. I'm only 10 years his Sr. I could have rocked his world, but Old Chicks just don't do that type of thing!

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Mrs. Coach,
    You don't get no respect!

    You need a hot Sonic lovaaahhh to appreciate you.


Post a Comment

<< Home