Witness Protection Program

This is how my Hillbilly Husband takes a picture. No worries about
my kid being identified by "Fitty," the 55-gallon barrel killer. I barely
recognize him myself, except for the unstylish black shoes with white
socks.

This is #1 son. He belongs in the Kleptomaniac Protection Program.
I don't know where this kid stashes things. We have searched the
house numerous times. Somewhere there is a treasure trove of our
missing items.

What does the kid take? Would it be, oh, I don't know....money, or
candy, or porn (not that we have any)? NO! Here is what has
disappeared, one by one, over the past couple of years:

12 pencil sharpeners
40 pencils
8 pairs of scissors
17 rolls of tape
5 fingernail/toenail clippers

Pencil Sharpeners-We started with the little plastic kind that you hold
over a wastebasket and turn your pencil to peel off shavings. Then
when those disappeared, we got the kind with a clear plastic flip thingy
to dump when it was full. Next was a kind like schools have, with a
handle, and a suction cup to hold it on a counter. Then came the battery
kind where you stick the pencil in and it grinds itself. The latest version
are the small kind that are see-through plastic, and you push the pencil
in the hole and it grinds. My Hillbilly Mama even bought each boy one.
Now they are both gone, plus the one I bought to keep on the homework
desk.

Pencils-He must eat them. Or he thinks they are disposable. We finally
get one sharpened, and then it's gone. Then HH has to whittle one with
his pocket knife.

Scissors-Every year I buy each boy one for school. They bring them
home at the end of the year, and they're gone. Also, my orange-handled
Fiskars (2 pair) are gone. Even the one I've had since before I married
HH. And my heavy steel black-handled scissors, and my imitation black-
handled Wal-mart counterfeit Fiskars. The ones in the kitchen drawer
are AWOL. What's the kid doing, performing surgery?

Tape-Heaven help you if you need to tape something around the
Hillbilly Mansion. I buy a 4-pack of Scotch tape, and all that is left
is the cardboard holder. I had to glue wrapping on a birthday party
gift. Santa gets discouraged when he's got a lot of wrapping to do
at 3:00 am. Is #1 son making a mummy on the sly?

Fingernail/Toenail Clippers-Eeewww! This is not normal. Not to gross
you out, but nobody else could have taken them. HH and I do our
clipping in the master bathroom, with our feet propped on the big
triangle bathtub. We clip #2 son's nails. This is done by commanding:
"Go get the clippers! Now take them back!" #1 clips as the mood
strikes him. Or when I say, "That is nasty. Look at your big ol'
woman-fingernails." He leaves the clippers lying around until we
command him to put them away. So now he must be hiding them.
In the last 2 months, we have lost 2 giant toenail clippers, 2 regular
fingernail clippers, and a pair of baby fingernail clippers with little
balloons painted on them. All we have left is a plain pair of tiny baby
fingernail clippers.

This kid is 10 years old. He is headed for a life of crime. Oh, not the
good stuff, like embezzling a fortune. The petty stuff. White collar
crime. Pilfering staples and paperclips and post-its and pens from
work. Hardly worth the effort, boy. If you do the crime, make sure
crime pays.

DISCLAIMER: Do not steal. It is wrong. It is very wrong. Even if you
get A LOT of money. Do not do it. You will get caught. You will have
to go to trial and have a bunch of freaking idiots on the jury.