Redneck Review

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Witness Protection Program

This is how my Hillbilly Husband takes a picture. No worries about
my kid being identified by "Fitty," the 55-gallon barrel killer. I barely
recognize him myself, except for the unstylish black shoes with white

This is #1 son. He belongs in the Kleptomaniac Protection Program.
I don't know where this kid stashes things. We have searched the
house numerous times. Somewhere there is a treasure trove of our
missing items.

What does the kid take? Would it be, oh, I don't, or
candy, or porn (not that we have any)? NO! Here is what has
disappeared, one by one, over the past couple of years:

12 pencil sharpeners
40 pencils
8 pairs of scissors
17 rolls of tape
5 fingernail/toenail clippers

Pencil Sharpeners-We started with the little plastic kind that you hold
over a wastebasket and turn your pencil to peel off shavings. Then
when those disappeared, we got the kind with a clear plastic flip thingy
to dump when it was full. Next was a kind like schools have, with a
handle, and a suction cup to hold it on a counter. Then came the battery
kind where you stick the pencil in and it grinds itself. The latest version
are the small kind that are see-through plastic, and you push the pencil
in the hole and it grinds. My Hillbilly Mama even bought each boy one.
Now they are both gone, plus the one I bought to keep on the homework

Pencils-He must eat them. Or he thinks they are disposable. We finally
get one sharpened, and then it's gone. Then HH has to whittle one with
his pocket knife.

Scissors-Every year I buy each boy one for school. They bring them
home at the end of the year, and they're gone. Also, my orange-handled
Fiskars (2 pair) are gone. Even the one I've had since before I married
HH. And my heavy steel black-handled scissors, and my imitation black-
handled Wal-mart counterfeit Fiskars. The ones in the kitchen drawer
are AWOL. What's the kid doing, performing surgery?

Tape-Heaven help you if you need to tape something around the
Hillbilly Mansion. I buy a 4-pack of Scotch tape, and all that is left
is the cardboard holder. I had to glue wrapping on a birthday party
gift. Santa gets discouraged when he's got a lot of wrapping to do
at 3:00 am. Is #1 son making a mummy on the sly?

Fingernail/Toenail Clippers-Eeewww! This is not normal. Not to gross
you out, but nobody else could have taken them. HH and I do our
clipping in the master bathroom, with our feet propped on the big
triangle bathtub. We clip #2 son's nails. This is done by commanding:
"Go get the clippers! Now take them back!" #1 clips as the mood
strikes him. Or when I say, "That is nasty. Look at your big ol'
woman-fingernails." He leaves the clippers lying around until we
command him to put them away. So now he must be hiding them.
In the last 2 months, we have lost 2 giant toenail clippers, 2 regular
fingernail clippers, and a pair of baby fingernail clippers with little
balloons painted on them. All we have left is a plain pair of tiny baby
fingernail clippers.

This kid is 10 years old. He is headed for a life of crime. Oh, not the
good stuff, like embezzling a fortune. The petty stuff. White collar
crime. Pilfering staples and paperclips and post-its and pens from
work. Hardly worth the effort, boy. If you do the crime, make sure
crime pays.

DISCLAIMER: Do not steal. It is wrong. It is very wrong. Even if you
get A LOT of money. Do not do it. You will get caught. You will have
to go to trial and have a bunch of freaking idiots on the jury.


  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger Angel said…

    That picture is great. I have many of the same types of pictures in my albums since no one in my family can take a decent picture.

  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    I know exactly what it is your son is making with all of these things, I sent him the plans. But I will never tell.
    Also I don't think that is a photo of your son on the bike, I think it is a photo of the tree, and your son got in the way. HH has a good eye for nature photography. :)

  • At 7:00 AM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Omg, that is an awesome picture. HH is a true artist.

    Pencils disappear around here. I can fill up the pencil holder and within a few hours every dang pencil is GONE. I can only imagine where I'll someday find the few hundred pencils that they've stolen.

    Maybe Rebecca's been in contact with my children as well . . . maybe she's in cahoots with Pinky and the Brain and is planning to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!

  • At 10:38 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Diva,
    What Pinky and Brain have planned is child's play compaired with me. [insert evil laugh]

  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Since you are playing nice, I will devote all my attention to you. Yes, we have quite the family album also. People look like they are wearing jars and clocks and stuff on their heads. If they still have their heads.

    Bec and Diva,
    Feel free to talk amongst yourselves in your evil attempt to take over the world. Imagine what a world that would be! Beclakia with free cheese and 10-foot worms and snakes in the houses and casinos and sheep riding unicycles eating the free cheese sandwiches...It absolutely boggles the mind.

    When you two are ready to play nice and learn at the knee of Hillbilly Mom, Master Teacher, you may re-join the group.

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    Oh! But Misssssss. SHE started it! It wasn't me, Diva is to blame. It's NOT fair, you're ALWAYS picking on ME. That's it, I'm gonna tell my mum on you.

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Like THAT'S never happened before!


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