Redneck Review

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hillbilly Mutant Turtle Mom

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This is what my students think of me. I'm stylin' in my American
flag contacts and my imitation Dracula choker. Observe the rosy
glow in my cheeks that comes from wiggling my way into my
designer faux pineapple turtle shell. I know how to accessorize
too, what with my jet-black cape and my green-apple toenail
polish on my hooves. Cause I ain't got turtle feet no more--I had
the cosmetic surgery to remove those ugly claws. When I save
up more of my hard-earned moolah, I'm going to have that
unsightly green stump removed from my rump.

This is a picture that a student gave me. It had "To Mrs. Hillbilly
Mom, From So-and-So, Happy Halloween." So maybe it isn't
really an artist's rendering of moi. But you know, it's all about
ME ME ME, so I just assumed...And you know that when you
assume, you make an a$$ out of you and me.

What else do you know? Let's have a little test, shall we?
Let me answer for you: "Yes! Please! Give us a little test!"
Oh, all right, since you insist. Did you know that....

A rabbit with a hole in its head will sit in the road until a policeman
picks it up and puts it to the side?
Parking spaces marked "visitor" are for the teacher who gets to
school latest?
When disagreeing with allowing religious activities to be held at
school, it is proper to start the statement with: I am not a devil-
worshipper, but...?
Just because you have a secretary does not mean you are more
important than the rest of the help?
Pickles are made from cucumbers!
Black electrical tape holding the lens in your glasses is not a good
look on picture day?
If people stop talking when you enter the teachers' workroom, it
does not necessarily mean they are planning a surprise party for you?
Telling the teacher he is going to Hell because he is Catholic is not
considered polite?
Every now and then, a discussion of someone setting oneself
ablaze is hilariously funny, though a bit politically incorrect?
Slowing down to the speed limit because a kid in a 1970s model
Datsun is tailgating you will make him swerve wildly back and forth?
A Burger King soda left in the car overnight will leak out of its cup
and leave a stain on the floor mat, but the kid who left it will not
believe you and say: "Let's fill it with water and leave it in the sink,
and if the water has gone down in the morning, that means it did
leak out in the car" ?
The kid will never know if you pour the water out after he has gone
to sleep?

Put your names on your papers and bring them to my desk. Find
something to do quietly until everyone is finished.


  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Boy, this teacher thing is really going to your head lately.

    Leave work at work, Hillbilly Mutant Turtle Mom!!

    Kady drew a picture of me at lab school the other day. I had big blue curls alllll over my little redneck head.

  • At 11:11 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    I guess I will have to tell you to leave your work at home.

    #1 son drew a picture of me when he was in pre-school. I had gigantic hands, and they were red. He said, "That is because of the blood from you slapping me." WHAT? Do not call 1-800-BAD-MOM! I swear I did not slap him until my hands were bloody! A little spanking every now and then, but RED HANDS?

    Blue curls. So THAT'S what you're hiding under your pirate do-rag.

  • At 11:19 PM, Blogger coffee and cigarettes said…

    If someone drew a picture of me looking like that I would be proud as punch:-)

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    Looks like we have found a connection between us, I also have green toe nails, but mine are painted that way. I did got with bright orange for a while, but they are back t their usual green now.
    Also, regarding the test, were we meant to supply answers, or pick one of the statements and work it into a story?

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    It was more of a general knowledge kind of quiz. Like, did you know that lighter fluid makes you go boom? Oops!
    That's Rachy's quiz.

    Just between you and me, I probably won't grade those quizzes anyway. I'll just give 10 bonus points if they're turned in with names on them. Because I can.


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