Redneck Review

Friday, June 24, 2005

Mysteries of My Universe Part 1

Sometimes I wonder:

How can Doritos make your breath smell so bad for so long?
(because my kid almost made me faint with Dorito breath)

Why were people sad about the very old very sick Pope's death?
(because if anyone is going to Heaven, wouldn't it surely be the Pope?
and Heaven is the ultimate goal, right?and we all have to die sometime)

If no one is around to see you, do you eat food you drop on the floor?
(because my students act so persnickety about throwing something
away the minute they drop it...except for one kid who ate a box of
Nerds off the floor one by one)

How can men sneeze 37 times in a row?
(because I've never heard women do this serial sneezing thing)

How can teenage boys fart on cue?
(because they do, you know, just ask any middle school teacher)

Why don't more people know that cocktail sauce is just ketchup
mixed with horseradish? (because you can easily make it yourself)

Why would 20 out of 21 teachers and the instructor at a Character
Education workshop that dwells on doing the right thing IGNORE
a high school girl screaming " out!" to high school boys
who had chased her into the girls' bathroom? (because it wasn't
even my school district, and I was the only one to go out into the
hall to shoo them away)

How can people confuse the words "recipe" and "receipt" ????
(because someone found my site in a google search for "receipt
amaretto sour")

Why do I have 30 visitors today and 125 page loads?
(because it seems like the boss was away and people at work
must have been bored)

Who told the families who run the Chinese restaurants in my county
to hang Christmas lights for ambience? (because that seems to me
to be kind of an interior-decorating faux pas)

Why can't I come up with something interesting to post on this blog?
(no mystery to this one...because I MUST spend 2 hours each morning
watching ER reruns on TNT)


  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger She who shall not be named said…

    I do that serial sneezing thing and I swear I am a woman. :)

    So does my boss and I "think" she is a woman. :)

  • At 8:01 PM, Blogger Vavoom said…

    This *was* and interesting post. I'm in touch with my feminine side. Hence, I don't have problems with serial sneezing.

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    I serial sneeze. My husband only sneezes once - a big, slobber spreading, loud, scary ACHOO. Whereas I sneeze about 27 times very quietly and it always makes people stare at me. I like attention but not when I'm sneezing for crying out loud.

    My adult boy can fart on cue as well. Charming.

    Yes, I eat food off the floor. Even when there are people around. Well, except in restaurants. And Wal*Mart. Hmh, so yeah, pretty much only at home.

    Dorito breath is nasty.

  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    OK, so it's only in the Hillbilly Mom universe that men are the sole serial sneezers. Good to know.

    "Nameless," I checked out your blog. It gave me some "random thoughts." I'll be back.

    Vavoom and Diva, I visit both of you daily. Sometimes more than once. Don't be alarmed.

    Diva, let me give you some advice. No, I insist! Like I told my friend the school librarian when she announced at lunch that she had been sleeping in her office all morning, "There are some things that maybe you should keep to yourself." Ha! Just kidding. I love hearing my life come out of someone else's mouth.

  • At 5:34 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Hi Hillbilly Mom,
    I will try and answer some of those questions for you. If there is actual fact behind any of my answers, or if they are just a joke, that is up to you to work out.

    Doritos make your breath stink because of the crap they use to make the cheese smell and colouring.

    People were sad about the Pope dying, because they now have to remember the answer to a new question for trivia nights.

    Food on the floor has a three seconds rule.

    Men like to sneeze this many times, because it is said that after you sneeze 7 times in a row, it is the same as an orgasm. Thirty-Seven sneezes is as close as a guy can get to a multiple orgasm.

    What else do you think boys learn on fishing trips with their dad? Certainly not how to catch fish.

    People know about the sauce, but the first rule of the sauce is to not talk about the sauce.

    Just like in Space, at an Inservice, no-one can hear you scream.

    Because all those "R" words sound the same. I blame Canada.

    I hope you are talking about you blog still. Thirty visitors indeed!

    They hang Christmas lights, because the local hardware stor was all out of dead chickens with L.E.D.s for eyes.

    Because you have set the bar so high with blogging, that you just can't beat yourself. This has been a great blog entry Hillbilly Mom.


  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Thank you for the enlightenment, Rebecca. My universe makes a bit more sense now. Your answers were better than my questions. I am sure I will have more questions as life goes on.

  • At 11:00 AM, Blogger Stacy said…

    Re: women and the serial sneezing thing...when I was in the eighth grade, our English teacher was a serial sneezer. We got to the point where we would all count up out loud when she started sneezing. We got as high as 13. :) What a bunch of brats we were...LOL.

    But, it wasn't 37!


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