Redneck Review

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Those Things the Rednecks Do

Today I was surfing through the channels and found one of
those emergency room shows on TLC. Right off the bat (or
"first cat out of the bag," as my husband says), I knew I had
found me a redneck.

It was a girl with a long mullet-style haircut, wearing a long
denim skirt. Her wrist was bent in a way that a normal wrist
does not bend. The doctor came in and asked her what had
happened. "Well, I was chasin' a rabbit in the middle of the
night....over at my boyfriend's house? And I fell in a sewer

O...K.... Now I couldn't stop wondering why she was chasing
a rabbit. Was she hunting? Why did she do it in the middle of
the night? Didn't she have a beagle or other rabbit dog to chase
the rabbit? Was she wearing that denim skirt while chasing the
rabbit in the middle of the night, or did she dress up special for
the two-hour drive to the emergency room? What exactly is a
sewer hole? Is it from an old outhouse? Is it a ditch? Is it a septic
tank hole? And why did she say it like it was a question?

So the doctor told her that her wrist was dislocated, and they
would have to operate to put some wires in it. He said, " Do
you have any health problems?" And her mom said, "No, she's
always been healthy. Except she's a passer-outer."

Then they did the surgery, and it was clarified that she was
chasing her pet rabbit. Oh, that makes all the difference.
It must be acceptable to chase a pet rabbit in the middle of
the night over at your boyfriend's house.

The girl asked the nurse if she would be able to go home, and
the nurse told her, "Oh, yeah. But you're going to be a little
sleepy today." The girl's grandma laughed and said, "Heh, heh.
You're going to sleep in the truck on the way home."

So what's funny about that? Were they going to put her in the
back of the truck while she was asleep? I have never been to
Oklahoma, but I believe it's much like its cousin to the north,
Kansas. And that is the most depressing drive I have ever taken,
from Missouri to Salina, Kansas. I wish I had slept through it.
There were not even trees to look at. They built their fences
with little metal poles because there was no wood for fenceposts.
That is just wrong. And the wind will blow the eyebrows right
off your face.

So let this be a redneck lesson for you. Do not chase your pet
rabbit in the middle of the night over at your boyfriend's house,
because there might be a sewer hole you don't know about, and
you could fall in it and dislocate your wrist, and then you could
be on TV and make us rednecks look dumb.


  • At 2:29 PM, Blogger La Chat Noir said…

    Hey ... thanks for stopping by my blog. See you around the Blogosphere!

  • At 4:15 PM, Blogger chewy said…

    you are right in your assumption that oklahoma and kansas are identical as far as driving conditions. flat, lifeless, and boring. only place that's worse is west texas...oh and parts of nevada. nothing but dirt as far as the eye can see.oh and a sewer hole is exactly that. used in leiu of a septic tank, it's a big whole that water waste from the house runs into.

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Hillbilly Mom said…

    Hey, Chewy, thanks for updating me on the sewer hole. I had never heard that one before. And I won't plan a vacation to west Texas.

  • At 8:24 AM, Blogger Redneck Diva said…

    Where I live in Oklahoma we actually have hills. I've even been to the mountains in Oklahoma, too! Yep, we have actual mountains- a full fledge range of them even. But if you head out to western Oklahoma... well, damn it's flat. When my sister moved out there as a newlywed, she called us in tears after about a week and in between sobs she said, "It's so flat, you can actually see the curvature of the earth out here!" Now, that's flat.


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