Redneck Jr.

All right, today is equal time for my 2nd son. He is definitely
one of us rednecks. He is in first grade now, but he really can't
be bothered with this education business.

Kindergarten was not a good year for him. He did not like
going to school. The only thing that could get him there was
reminding him that his little girlfriend would miss him. He told
me they were getting married when they were 19, "because
then we will be very old." He missed a lot of recesses that
year "sitting on the log." That is where they go for misbehaving.
Hmmm...where to start. Of course there was all that talking
with his girlfriend. And the exposing himself part that we try
to keep quiet. Then there were the two kids he punched in the
stomach. The boy cut in front of him in the drinking fountain line.
(And you know, it could just run out of water). The girl wiped
off the table, (Hey, it was his turn to wipe the table). Let's not
forget the pea-stomping incident in the cafeteria. But you know,
it was another kid's idea.

The highlight of the year was probably getting sent to the
principal's office. In kindergarten. It was hard to get the
actual story, but his teacher filled me in. It seems there was
a substitute teacher for PE. My boy ran around and around
the gym, and would not listen or sit down. When his teacher
came to get the class, the sub told on him. His teacher told
him he should apologize, but he wouldn't. She said she would
leave him there until he was ready. An hour went by. Still no
apology. His teacher then told him that if he didn't apologize,
he would have to go to the principal's office. Fine with him.
From this point, I had to question him directly:

"What happened in the principal's office?"
"Assistant principal."
"OK, what happened in the assistant principal's office?"
"Nothing."
"What did she say?"
"Nothing."
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"You mean to tell me you both just sat and looked at each other?"
"No. I was standing up."

About 30 minutes later I concluded that the assistant principal
walked him back to the gym, and he apologized.

Oh, and let's not forget the Christmas Program. We dressed
him up in corduroy pants, a sweater, and his "churchy" shoes.
He was on the front row. A big mistake on his music teacher's
part, though she might have done it to keep her eye on him.
He said he had to sit out for acting up during rehearsal. He
was fine as long as he was actually singing. He didn't step out
in front of the group and face the crowd and wave his arms to
mock-direct the singers (like the boy next to him did). It was
the down time during the little play and the solo that did him in.
Yes, my boy had come undone. Oh, he sat on the front row
of risers like he was supposed to. He smiled devilishly and
waved at me every 2 minutes. Still OK. Then he pulled up
his pant legs so it looked like he was wearing a brown corduroy
bikini bottom. He stretched his arms up over his head, leaned
back, and karate-chopped the boy behind him until one of the
teacher/bouncers came over to break it up. They stood up to
sing, so the bikini reverted back to pants. He untied a little
girl's belt, pulled it off, and handed it to her like a gift. The
piece de resistance was when he put his face in her stomach.
He said he was sniffing the flower on her dress.

Tales from his 1st-grade year will have to wait for another post.