Overheard While Teaching in Redneckland

Here are a few of the things I wish I'd never heard during my
17 years of teaching in rural Missouri:

"Hey, wanna see my stub toe? I cut if off with a lawnmower."

"Please don't tell my dad I stabbed Christina with a pencil.
I'm supposed to get my shotgun this weekend, and he won't
give it to me if he finds out."

"The teacher that was here before you got fired because they
got pictures of her sleeping with Black men."

Superintendent at job interview: "We have 29 churches in
this town, and as a young single woman it would not look
good for you to hang out at the corner bar. And don't give
homework on Wednesday nights, because everyone goes
to church."

"Come with me, we are going to check the kindergartners
for head lice today."

"Yeah, but she has a little baby. Her husband must get really
drunk."

From 7th grade girls, talking about another 7th grade girl:
"She doesn't know anything. She's probably still a virgin."

"We don't use soap. We wash our hands with deer grease."

9th grade student sitting down at her desk with a soda and
bag of chips: "You mean we can't eat and drink in here?"

"And when the mailbox wouldn't fall over, Shawn s*#! and
wiped his a*# with his underwear and stuffed it in the mailbox."

"DFS took the kids because he left them in the house with the
pit bulls. He was only next door talking to the neighbor. So
now they are going to bury the drugs in the backyard so when
DFS checks the house they can get the kids back."

Principal to the only male teacher on our middle school faculty:
"Well, Mike, it looks like you're going to be in hog heaven this
year." Mike, taking a long look around the room, "You got
that right."

"He grabbed the stapler off the desk and started stapling down
his spine. Then they were wrestling on the floor and, Ma'am, he
bit him in the private area."

"We went down in the woods and built a fire. Then we put a
metal folding chair over it to see who could pull down their
pants and sit on it the longest."

From a 12th grade boy: "Then my sister turned up pregnant.
She don't want it, so I said, "Let me have it. I'll raise it up right."

"There's some kind of fire in the furnace room. I want all of
you with an upstairs classroom to go back in and open your
windows to let the smoke out."

I'm sure city teachers have their own "too much information"
list. I'll make a Part 2 list as I remember more.